Home again, Home again, Jiggety Jig

Sunday, November 27, 2005

We are home. THANK GOD! It was fucking cold in New York, and I am not a cold weather pussy. But LORD! It was cold!

We were not struck by the balloon, but We did see it from our vantage point on w81st. Not the striking, just the balloon. If you go to the beginning of the parade, MUCH better. Not so many people touching you.

Here are some quick things I have learned on this trip:

1. My daughter will bitch and moan through any experience. Even the ones she wants to go and do. Take her for a 200 dollar dinner at American Girl? Bitch and Moan. Go to the Macy's day parade and stand in front on the god damn balloons? Bitch and Moan. Walk her through the Guggenheim? Moan and Bitch. Walk her down to Dylan's Candy Bar? More Moaning, More bitching, and the suggestion that her father carry her on his back, cause her feet hurt from walking.

2. Three normal sized people can not fit into a Double Bed. I am the person who will end up in the middle and not sleep at all as I am pummelled from both sides. The other two will awake at 7:00 a.m. and wonder why I am so bitchy. I also have now read a disturbing article about bed bugs in today's New York Times, and how they are infesting hotel rooms and apartments in the city, so now I am concerned that I have been secretly infested with bed bugs. This fear intenstifies as I find an odd bump on my thigh and I have been very itchy.

3. Thanks to Roo's insect post, I worried that there were large evil cockroaches waiting for me to fall asleep. Although, I suppose the concern was moot, as I was trapped in the bed.

4. I have a difficult time relaxing enough to use a foreign bathroom for anything but liquid deposits.

5. I am from New England. My ideas of personal space are different from New Yorkers. Especially in Movie theaters. I am sure you are a charming man, nattily dressed black gay gentleman, however, I do not want to get to know you during Harry Potter. Note the seven year old child with whom I am attending this film. And for god's sake stop the talking!!! Why is this bottle of Poland Springs water 4.50?? Is it consecrated? And is it wrong to suddenly think "Hey that kid who plays Harry Potter is starting to get hot", then get all grossed out and worried since I think that this thought puts me into dangerous territory, until I read that he's 16 and I think "Phew, at least he's legal."

6. I have a hard time with Body odor. But most of all - Sinus breath. Makes me actually gag. Now, imagine me in a cab with 3 other adults and one child with a taxi driver with the worst sinus breath I have ever encountered - stuck in traffic outside of Battery Park, and no one will open down a window cause "it's cold outside". I actually had to put up the neck of my sweater over my nose and breathe through my mouth so I didn't start dry heaving.

Oh yes, there will be more to come. Such as the traditional eating of the Thanksgiving hamburger, and how I was racially profiled by a New York cop.

8 Baleful Regards:

Anonymous said...

Gosh, I am exhausted just reading about your trip. That whole 3-people-in-a-double really must have been horrible (we have trouble at home when Big-A climbs in with J and I.) Looking forward to hearing the rest of your stories.

Sarah said...

Bad breath, ick!
I gag so bad when I'm around bad breath.

Anonymous said...

You should be very happy you didn't come to New York this summer. It was so hot. Think of all the bad smells you encountered, only at a very humid 98 degrees. Think of how many fewer clothes those people brushing up on all sides of you on the train were wearing, because of the heat.


Sounds like you had an exciting trip. I bet it's nice to be home-- particularly since travel can be so, er, binding...

Julie Marsh said...

What Roo said.

We took Tacy to see Shrek 2, and the people in front of us kept turning around to offer her Cheetos. Not only did I not want her to eat so damn many Cheetos, but I wanted them to turn around and mind their own business. Maybe I belong in Maine instead of New York (where a cop once very nearly accused me of being a hooker).

Anonymous said...

But did she ask, "can I have some dessert?"

I recall one trip to NYC w/ Mike and we had a very, very small room. Mike leaned over and accidentally let one rip. Due to the small confines, I had to run to teh 3'x3' bathroom and stick my head out the window for air. The accomdations also look like they hadn't been updated since 1972.

Next time, fuck it, I don't care what it costs, we're reserving a room at The W.

Anonymous said...

This American Girl thing confuses me. I thought they were dolls (my niece loves them). Also a restaurant? And $200 bucks for a dinner with a seven year old? WHAT? I thought their appetites were confined to tater tots and pudding cups.

Dawn said...


She totally asked about dessert all DAY LONG. That's what Dylans was all about and Jess- American Girl Cafe? Get the AMEX out Mom and Dad, for we will serve very small portions on small plates to all of you. Oh yes. They even have a broadway style revue in that building. All seperately priced, of course. Fuckers.

I'll put the link up for Dylans Candy Bar. Or spastic child central.

Lisa said...

Even sleeping with a three year old in a double bed won't get you any better sleep.

And I saw an article on bed bugs too. My hubby travels alot and I make him keep his suitcase outside over night when he comes back. Because that article kept me up all night the time I read it. It freaked me out.

Can't wait to hear all about what else happened. You are so entertaining.

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