Your Homeland Security Dollars at work

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

For real. This is a memo I got from our Homeland Security Folks.
The terrorists are now in league with the deer. Danger is everywhere!!!

I would like to remind everyone to pay extra atttention while driving. This is the time of year that animals, especially deer are on the move and most active. Just this morning there were at least were two more deer collisions on the interstates (I-93 and I-89).
According to the National Safety Council, there were 530,000 animal-related accidents in 2003 and these collisions resulted in 100 deaths and 10,000 injuries.
The average cost per insurance claim for collision damage is $2,800, with costs varying depending on the type of vehicle and severity of damage. When you factor in autoclaims involving bodily injury, the average rises to $10,000. Defensive driving tips to avoid hitting a deer.
(Of course, it is shit eating rotten for the deer)

~ Be especially attentive from sunset to midnight and during the hours shortly before and after sunrise. These are the highest risk times for deer-vehicle collisions.
(There goes the Driving with my eyes closed tradition between 4 p.m. and 7 a.m.)

~ Drive with caution when moving through deer-crossing zones, in areas known to have a large deer population and in areas where roads divide agricultural fields from forestland. Deer seldom run alone. If you see one deer, others may be nearby.
(Beware the lone running deer, for there are many others behind...grasshopper)

~ When driving at night, use high beam headlights when there is no oncoming traffic. The high beams will better illuminate the eyes of deer on or near the roadway.
( Although, it does blow the element of suprise, I find that wrapping my car in blinking Christmas string lights adds an element of festive epileptic seizure inducing fun to the glow of suprised deer eyes )

~ Slow down and blow your horn with one long blast to frighten the deer away.
(They do not respond to musical horns, or whispered words of love. Loud rap causes the deer to"bust a move" and get all "gangsta" on your ass, throwin' gang signs with their hooves. Don't even get me started on what "Slow Jazz" does to the deer - not for family viewing)

~ Brake firmly when you notice a deer in or near your path, but stay in your lane. Many serious crashes occur when drivers swerve to avoid a deer and hit another vehicle or lose control of their cars.
( Or are having the epileptic seizures induced by my aforementioned blinking car. I would also suggest braking firmly at random times to see if the drivers behind you are in a state of "deer readiness")

~ Always wear your seat belt. Most people injured in car/deer crashes were not wearing their seat belt.
( The others experienced multiple contusions and fractures after having their seatbelt gnawed clean through, then being dragged through their car windows and beaten by pissed off deer who now have a death grudge)

~Do not rely on devices such as deer whistles, deer fences and reflectors to deter deer. These devices have not been proven to reduce deer-vehicle collisions.
(Deer catcalls may work more efficiently to deter the deer such as "Hey, that is quite a rack you got there" or "Hey baby, wanna rut?", or the ever popular "My dad is King of the Forest")

~If your vehicle strikes a deer, do not touch the animal. A frightened and wounded deer can hurt you or further injure itself. The best procedure is to get your car off the road, if possible, and call the police.
(Then the deer can injure the police - OR your child can witness the police gunning down Bambi as he flees for his life. A lifetime of therapy!)

8 Baleful Regards:

Lisa said...

Oh my god! I had to laugh.

Anonymous said...

Ha ha ha!

In yet another deer-related example of your tax dollars at work, my husband and I used to work for a federal agency that had a fairly large, wooded campus. One night as J was leaving work, he watched as a security guard in a truck chased a deer around the parking lot (with the truck.) He did cease and desist when he saw J, but we never could figure out what the heck he was going to do. Hit the deer and bring it home for stew?

Anonymous said...

hee. hee.

I hit a deer once, and boy did it scare the crap out of me (dark, rainy night).

the next day, as I was getting ready for work, I made my sister em clean off the uh, "remnants" of Bambi still on my headlight (fur bits, I think). The convo went soemthign like, "EMILY! FOR GODSAKE, I AM RUNNING LATE FOR *WORK*! C'MON, WILL YOU *PLEASE* JUST CLEAN OFF MY CAR!! I AM RUNNING LATE!! GOD, EMILYYYYYYY! ALL THOSE TIMES I'VE HELPE DYOU OUT< AND YOU CAN"T EVEN DO *THIS* SMALL FAVOR???"
She was still in high school when I made her do this, poor thing. Man, I was a jerk.

Anonymous said...

An aversion to slow jazz... I wonder what else I have in common with deer.

jenfromboston, you and my older sister sound like you'd get along...

Julie Marsh said...

Lone Running Deer. This shall be my Native American name.

Homeland Security is sending this shit? WTF?

sweatpantsmom said...

Living in L.A., I have never received any Danger Deer warnings.

Although after reading your post I am now paranoid! They're everywhere! And I have so little 'Deer Readiness!'

Anonymous said...

To hell with Lions and Tigers and Bears.

It should be 'Whitetail and Elk and Moose,oh my!

Diana said...

if you can't touch it can you poke it with a stick? i mean, I'm sure we'd all be curious as to whether we actually KILLED bambi...

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