Tit for Tat

Friday, November 04, 2005

Good Morrow, gentle friends.

The deed is done.

I had some fun at my now sleeping husbands expense - for instance, I suggested that perhaps he ask for a "ball lift" while he was in there having work done. Mainly to say the words "ball" and "lift" together.

Also, as the Valium took effect and he started to get silly in the car, I said it was nice to have him be so relaxed and he announced "I'm always chill, baby." Which made me hysterical, cause he is the least "chill " man ever. I'm suprised diamonds haven't popped out of his ass.

So we get there and he is a bit loopy from the Valium and he is trying to give me instructions like, "If any of my clients call, tell them I am out of the country"

?????? What?

And "Even though I am dopey, I could still kick anyone's ass if I had too"

Thank God. Roving bands of attack chipmunks will be no match for my about to be neutered spouse.

I also ran out and took this picture while he was in the "procedure room." Was this logo designed by a 9 year old boy or what? Geesh, I wonder what they specialize in here? Does the same designer draw two circles and an arrow pointing at a black triangle for a gynecologist's office?



Then I waited for them to call him in. I threatened to come in and do a photo-documentary. He did not find this funny. At all.

So I sat and waited.


I told you the waiting room was straight outta 1975


And then the doctor came out to get me. I started to smile at him. I couldn't help it.

I go in and there he is - the father o' my child, laying flat on his back with his hands over his face. His crotch is enscounced in gauze and he begins to hold his testicles. He walks out of the building...holding his testicles. We drive home, and he is laying as flat as he can in the. I run into the grocery store to purchase the bags of peas to ice him down.

we begin to drive home. He must be in pain, for he lifts up his sweatpants and places a bag of frozen peas on his testicles. The old man in the truck beside us watches a big black man shove a bag of peas down his pants. He looks a bit distraught - the old man that is. Perhaps the Conservatives are right, for right there, next to his truck is a Black man doing unnatural things to frozen vegetables.

Terrance has no clue anyone is watching him. I giggle.
I hear a new musical coming on:
"ain't nobody having sex with veg-e-tables"

But, oh.....my poor husband. He does look bad now. I just re-iced his balls with another bag of frozen peas and gave him more ibuprofen. He said "My balls are killing me" before he fell asleep.

And then I remember pushing a baby out of a certain place and think that this seems a fair trade.

9 Baleful Regards:

roo said...

Fair trade? More than!

(Hee Hee!)

JenfromBoston said...

"I'm always chill, baby". HEE. I am imagining that being said with Barry White voice.

"Tell them I am out of the country" - I can just see your face with the "what the??" look.
He will never look at peas the same way again after this I would guess...

Contrary said...

Just wait till he makes you check the incisions. I'm not too good to admit I've been up close and personal to hubby's goody package more than a few times, but there's just something...special about being asked to examine his boo boo to see if it looks like anything is going to fall off.

marshatm said...

I just know there is a joke in here somewhere about Meat And Vegetables but I just can't seem to think of what it is.

Dawn said...

Jenn- It was totally said in a Barry White voice.

And I HAVE checked the stitches and changed the gauze. His poor package has been so "petite peas" iced that it looks as if they are trying to crawl back up into his body.

"How do they look", he moaned.
"Like extremely cold testicles, with 2 small stitches"
"Are they bleeding?"
"A little bit, but it seems to have stopped."
"Mmmoooooaaaaaaaannnnnnnn"


He did suggest that we use the Peas again, to which I stated:

"I am Not eating your ball icing peas!"

I have my standards, after all

roo said...

Yeah, when Jeff sprained his knee I gave him a packape of frozen peas, marked with duct tape so we would know it was for icing, not eating. But he'd forget to put the peas back in the freezer, so he'd just grab fresh bags of frozen veggies every time he needed one. He completely cleaned us out!

Then he suggested we eat the unfrozen bag of stir fry fixings that had been buried in the corner of the bedroom for almost a week...

Husbands are like toddlers.

Nancy said...

I laughed so hard when I read this entire post that I just now am able to type legibly in response. And I read the post YESTERDAY. "I'm always chill, baby?" The whole thing with the office logo? The dude in the supermarket parking lot? HAHAHAHAHA!

I hope Terrance is feeling better soon and can get those balls bouncing again. ;-)

mothergoosemouse said...

I want so much to read your post out loud to Kyle, but I know he will not find it nearly as hilarious as I do, and he will use it as evidence in favor of his position should I ever dare to suggest that he undergo this procedure.

I used peas on my face after having gum surgery, and I refused to cook and eat those. I can't IMAGINE cooking and eating ball icing peas - he must still be under the influence of those meds. I KNOW there's a plastic barrier involved, but just the idea of it gives me the creeps.

The Other Mrs. B said...

OHMYGOD - so funny. Don't let him get to my husband - he still needs to go in for the snip snip.

 
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