It's no "Tommy"

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

I have been contemplating what my life would like as a Musical Opera, in the style of the great Rock Opera’s of past.

I would like to propose some song titles that would encompass my experiences throughout the day:

Side 1:

In Praise of Prozac, or how I get up in the morning
Where have all the run-free pantyhose gone?
Kidz Bop is the Devil’s music
Seriously Dude, you need to calm down before you have a stroke (A duet with my husband)
Emily, stop dancing around naked and get ready for school.
(This is a three-parter with the above Duet with my husband)

I have reached heaven, and its name is Dunkin Donuts
Guy in the F150 pickup, do not cut me off, for your job can not be all that great that you need to get there this fast, I see that you are in landscaping and like Nascar.

No small talk in the elevator (leave me alone) - a doo-wop number
What fresh hell is this? (the reading of the email)
Which morphs into the plaintive solo:
Are people really this stupid? (The Idiot Song)

Side 2:

Hey, Gas is 2.29! Fill ‘er up!
What do you want for dinner? (The Cell phone song)
Mommy has wine breath, but she still reads to me every night (sung by Emily)
Go to sleep, child, go to SLEEP!
If Mommy and Daddy don’t have sex soon, we will get divorced and it will be all your fault.

Bonus tracks:

I mock you, yes I do. (The Superiority song)
You can never have too many shoes – unless they are from Payless.
F is for Fuck
Suck it, Uber-Mom’s

Feel free to add your own.

14 Baleful Regards:

Anonymous said...

"The red line of the MBTA smells like piss (what the hell is on this seat?)" This would be an ensemble number with a cameo by the drunk bum slumped in the furthest corner of the train.

Anonymous said...

Jess - I can actually see him rising up from the seat for his big Number - with his penis hanging out of his pants.

Lisa said...

OH. MY. GOD. THAT was so funny!

Well done!

Anonymous said...

This reminds me of the musical numbers they do on "Whose Line is it Anyway?" I always laugh my ass off at those.

How about "Don't You Hit Me, You Motherfucking SUV?" sung in operatic falsetto? (this I actually DID sing today.)

Table4Five said...

Nancy's cracked me up! Mine would be "Are you trying to give me a Heart Attack?" sung back-to-back with "I swear you are going to give me a stroke".

You should make this a meme and start tagging people to come up with their own.

Anonymous said...

MVP, Dawn.

Mine (I am the remake queen)

"You Wake me UP! Before you Go-Go (and then I go back to sleep for 45 mins. anyway and miss the bus)

"You say goodbye, and I say ["grunt"] refrain: fuckoff! fuckoff!"

"I'd Die Without You" (love song sung to my coffee)

"we don't have to take our clothes off, to have a good time - but it'll definitely improve my mood"

And lastly - a morning super cheer
"Dry hair and matching shoes are OH-ver RATE-ed (clap,clap, clap-clap-clap)

TwinsGoddess said...

Ooh! OOH! I LOVE the "No Small Talk in the Elevator" song!

But isn't there a re-mix called, "No Small Talk in the Office Bathroom," too?

Anonymous said...

I’ll borrow heavily from your soundtrack, especially the ode to Dunkin Donuts and the ‘Are people really this stupid?’ song (Yes. Yes, they are).

I’ll also add ‘It’s five-fucking-thirty in the morning. For the love of god, GO BACK TO SLEEP’ and ‘I am not your mother (dedicated to my husband)’.

Anonymous said...

I was just laughing so hard that my child came into the room to see what could have caused such an outburst of frivolity.

Could I add:

"This much Motrin can't be healthy"
"The two of you are driving me crazy"

"Put the lid back on the god damn garbage can"

"Little girls who continually grab at their labias will surely be strippers, so I can save all the money for college right now"

and my big finale:
"Can I have desert?"

sweatpantsmom said...

I want to add a B-side to the 'wine breath' song:

'Don't Touch Mommy's Funny Soda'

Cindylou said...

Funny soda I love that!!! At my house it is "don't drink Daddy's bubble juice"

My life would include the song
You Don't want to go to daycare?
Refrain: No more toys then, Mommy will quit her job, and stay home so I can but on the damn bus every morning"

Anonymous said...

A lyric from "Hey, Assmunch":
"You can remember 3rd year calculus from 15 years ago and yet you cannot remember what to do when the toliet paper roll runs out."
(gotta tell ya, this exercise is very cathartic)

Table4Five said...

I came back to read some more of these and starting laughing so hard that my son now wants to know what is so funny. The only problem is we all have such dirty, dirty mouths that I can't read these without some serious editing! Not that there's anything wrong with that. Two More:
"Pick up those toys NOW or I swear I will give them all to Goodwill"

"BRUSH your teeth, put ON your shoes, it's TIME to leave for SCHOOL-HEY!"

Anonymous said...

Today I'm thinking the rock opera of my life would feature the song
"Pre-menstrual Wizard":

"She's a pre-menstrual wizard,
her moods will always switch.
That pre-menstrual wizard is
such a crazy Bi-i-itch..."

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