Rude Awakening

Saturday, November 05, 2005

My day started earlier than I would have liked.

Sorry, the futility of the first sentance struck me as funny. Since giving birth to my bundle o'fun seven years ago, ALL my days have started earlier than I would have liked.

As you know, Emily sleeps with me. The American Academy of Pediatrics may suggest that I have been trying to bump her off by endangering her with my "Family bed", and I may suggest that they shove it up their collective asses.

She wakes like clockwork at about 6:30 and begins her Bhutan Death march campaign to wake me up. It's a little game we play. She doesn't want anything in particular, just to be assured that I am NOT sleeping. She seems to feel very strongly that if she isn't sleeping, I shouldn't be sleeping.

I usually murmur something loving along the of "Leave me Alone!" or "Stop Touching me!" and try to roll away from her.

When she was small, I assumed that she had not intended to elbow me in the nose, or kick me directly in the crotch, or lean with her elbow on my nipple. Now I comprehend that she was simply perfecting her technique.

For this morning's stunt......

I am laying there, half asleep. Thinking of the day's schedule - ballet, have to go pick up a cake at a very yummy bakery, going to friends tonight, so need to pack an overnight bag .... you know, the stuff that women think of before they get up.

I hear a funny whirring noise. It's kind of far away and only goes on for a second. So I return to my day dreams of cake and bottles of wine with adults tonight and being away from bags of frozen peas....I begin to drift back to sleep.

Suddenly, I am being rushed back to the tunnel of conciousness. Something is very wrong my body is yelling, wake UP!

As my eyes fly open, they look directly into a small ultra violet light, which makes my head snap back as I exclaim "Emily, what the hell is WRONG with you?"

She has taken this small "Finding Nemo"aquarium top off a toy, and has pressed it's ultraviolet light to my eyelids in her latest attempt to awaken me.

Em:"Oh, sorry, Mama"
She says this in a breathless, innocent way. Then hops off the bed to go see her daddy. She wins again, I am awake!

I can actually still see the purple circle when I close my eyes. She may have seered the back of my retina's.

I think my kid is channeling Mengele

7 Baleful Regards:

Anonymous said...

I think that the kids quickly figure out that either the most dangerous or annoying activity is the one that will wake you up most effectively. It's weird how moms have a sixth sense when it comes to that -- of course, when there's vision impairment, you might notice that as well!

Anonymous said...

I think I remember my mom having a "unless someone is bleeding or hte house is on fire" rule when it came to her sleeping. And even then, the bleeding had better be ER visit quality.

Cindylou said...

At my house you couldn't talk to my mother before her cup of Oj and her first cup of coffee. It was years before I realized it might be in some way connected to the large quantities of bourbon she drank every night.

FishermansDaughter said...

People who make those freakin toys DO NOT have kids - or want to see (get it SEE - try not to hurt yourself laughing)to it that EVERYONE who does suffers the same fate = permanent rod, cone, retina damage. It's a power thing. Oh and btw, I'm in the planning stages of a childrens version traveling side/freak show in an effort to capitalize on my own little squatters channeling of Vlad the Impaler and Jeffery Dahmer - Mengele will be a welcome addition...c'mon - everyone loves a carney!

Lisa said...

I hear ya chickie! Been woken up by a swift elbow to the nose a few times. Lately, he prefers stepping on my groin though....

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

I love how she said, "Oh, sorry, Mama," as though she had so idea that she was pressing a UV light up against your eyeballs (or that you might not find it a pleasant experience).

She blinded you... with science!

◄Design by Pocket