Pollination...and the Return of Vlad

Thursday, July 13, 2006

HAHAHAHA!! I am Vlad the Impaler! Yes, I am aware that there are flowers around me. The ungrateful wench thought she could leave me behind in that cesspool of a "state" I laugh at her. Does she not know of the hunting and tracking abilities of Vlad?

Of course, she may be unaware that I urinated on the wheels of her mechanical horse before she left, so I could follow my scent to where ever she was fleeing. I am a crafty huntsman.

Do not look at those flowers. I, Vlad, command you to Stop looking at those accursed flowers. I will impale each of you one stake higher than the other in concentric circles so you can see you are not above the justice of Vlad. Vlad may be cruel, but he enjoys symmetry.

And what is this "Border" of which I crossed? Some young man attempted to question Vlads royal right to ride across this invisible line. Does this fool not know that I, Vlad, took on the Turks from the Danube River Valley? He foolishly asked Vlad to pull over to one side for further questioning. I happily impaled him.

Damn your eyes, miserable wench. You place me amongst Flowers? As if I was the Queen of the May. I am VLAD! VLAD THE IMPALER!

Ah, the wench is surly. She raises fearless eyes and dares to growl at Vlad. Vlad senses that there is something happening here. Vlad is not blind to the needs and desires of a woman. Does the wench wish to bear one of Vlad's heirs? For Vlad would happily oblige the wench, after he impales the man.

No, that does not seem to be it. Vlad hears something, the clicking of pills in a bottle? The womans monthly moon blood is upon her. Ah, yes. She is irritable. Vlad offers to disembowel her, but that is met with icy silence. (At times the woman scares Vlad a little, but do not tell anyone that or I will wrench your tongue from your mouth and feed it to the impaled border boy.)

Alas, the woman also tried to go back on her Wellbutrin magic pills. This was unwise. Very, Very unwise. She is paying the price.

I will plan my raids into this "city". I expect to have it conquered by the fortnight. There seems to be a new member of this worm like family, who is even more pathetic than the humans.

A feline. Yes, a small grey feline, who mews and carries on at the back door. I would like to impale her, but the smallest hellhound seems appeased by it's presence. Also, it has only a stump of a tail. The brings Vlad endless merriment.

So look at your maggot filled flowers, and fear me, for I am Vlad. And I will be planning new and horrible deaths for you. I will also perhaps dispense parenting advice at this "park". There are some small toad like creatures who are in sore need of impaling, or sharp stick poking at the very least.

18 Baleful Regards:

Jess Riley said...

Dawn, you are genious. Please tell me these are not flowers from your garden; all of this gorgeousness makes me hang my head in shame over what i call a flowerbed in my back yard. (Although I believe I do spy blacktop somewhere in the middle.)

Maggot-filled flowers. Ha!

Feral Mom said...

Glad to see Vlad's finally getting the pistil whipping he so richly deserves. Just kidding! Don't impale me.

Andrea said...

Vlad's scared of Dawn! Vlad's scared of Dawn! *sung in child's taunting voice*

As well he should be, because Dawn, you kick ass.

Anonymous said...

Those flowers remind me of Santa Fe. Little stucco bungalows and shops and gardens overflowing with color. It's intoxicating.

Anonymous said...

Damn, that was gorgeous. My eyes feel prettier now.
Also what is the name of your new stumpy cat? Can I suggest Bobbit?

Cristina said...

OK, I obviously haven't been reading your blog long enough cuz I don't know who the hell Vlad is. I have a guess, but I cannot be sure.

I tried searching your archives, but still couldn't figure it out.

OK, this is perhaps the dumbest comment I've ever left on your blog.

*going to hide my head in embarrasment now*

Woman with Kids said...

Oh, the flowers... the colors. I'm in heaven. I'm so jealous...

And Vlad? I looked at the flowers. I enjoyed it too.

Jaelithe said...

Oh, Vlad, I missed you! By the way, I always knew you were afraid of Dawn. Fear of this woman is only natural. For Dawn is like one of the Furies of old, whose wrathful lust for fresh manblood in the name of womanly justice is only just barely constrained beneath her seemingly fragile demeanor, however cunningly concealed by her soft feminine appearance. But I promise I won't let word of this weakness slip out to your mighty legions.

Might I suggest that next time she subjects you to endless vistas of flowers, you imagine the blooms to be the maidenheads of a boundless sea of tribute virgins lying prostrate in worship at your feet. It may help you to pass the time.

Anonymous said...

Vlad, the flowers are pretty. Prrrrrreeeeeetyyyyyyyy. See the pretty flowers? See? Pretty flowers? Pretty pretty pretty pretty flowers?

(Is he dead yet?)

Fraulein N said...

Oh, a Vlad post! How I have missed these!

(Also, I don't know why, but "border boy" is cracking me up.)

Anonymous said...

I really kind of have a crush on Vlad.

Oh, well, it's not like i have a crush on Tom Cruise or something. Now THAT would be crazy.

Vlad, call me!

Mom101 said...

You just made me hate the city. Just a little.

Her Bad Mother said...

Vlad among the posies. Beautiful.

Anonymous said...

Feral Mom, Vlad should impale you for your truly groan-inducing puns.

Pretty flowers!

I'll never tell said...

Yah, I'm confused too. Could someone tell me who Vlad! is, I'm new here and I'm feeling a bit left out.

Jaelithe said...

For all you recent Dawn initiates: Dawn occasionally allows Vlad the Impaler, the infamous 15th century Transylvanian warlord (also known as Vlad DRACULA to some) to guest post on her blog. He usually comes to dispense useful parenting advice based on the ruling techniques he employed to properly subdue his own small empire; his solutions for modern parents often involve the impaling of insolent children upon stakes.

However, sometimes he just stops in to say hi.

Debbie said...

mine eyes have been impaled by the beauty. I could use a regular impaling by the likes of all a that kinda pretty.

Anonymous said...

Wow, what an offputting combination -- beautiful flowers interspersed with Vlad's commentary. Love where he urinated on the mechanical horse. That Vlad, he's a clever guy.

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