Murder in Ikea

Sunday, August 06, 2006



"What do you think of this couch?"
"Don't like it"



"How about these chairs?"
"Yeah, hate them."



"And this? How does this strike you?"
"You seriously like this piece of shit? It's hideous."



"I kind of like this couch - it seems comfy to read on."
"That couch is awful. Who would want a couch like that in their house?"



"Here, try this chair. I like this one."
"It's the SAME chair you hated five minutes ago, just in a different color."



"Listen. I am 36 years old. I deserve to have real furniture. I do not want leather couches. I am sit of living on futons, mother fucker. I am not afraid to cut you."



"Did you just say that when you divorce me I can choose my own furniture?
It is O-N mutha-fucka...."



All right, so this may have been slightly more dramatized than the real event....but it was how it went in my mind. I think Ikea should have a lawyer on the way out, so you can draw up the divorce papers. Big ups to the Playmobil Playahs

40 Baleful Regards:

Mignon said...

We have that shopgirl wench. She's always slipping off with the wine bottles and mounted policeman when we're trying to get the baby back in its stroller and the balloon stuck back in the hand of the transgendered 8-year-old.

Chase said...

Remind me not to go Ikea shopping with you...

madge said...

T and I have long called Ikea "The Fight Store." If we aren't fighting, we are thoroughly enjoying the couple in Dining Rooms having a knock-down-drag-out.

Home Depot has nothing on the 'kea.

Bobita said...

Sometimes it pays to have those divorce papers written up in advance...sitting in a safety deposit box...awaiting your signature.

And it needs to be said that...sometimes a woman needs a lawyer on speed-dial! (My lawyer is #8!!)

;)

Lisa said...

This is why my hubby NEVER goes with me shopping. Because we'd SO be like that.

kim said...

You are so fucking funny. I have recently decided to be sneaky bitch and buy stuff I like and then dare him not to like it. If he dares at least I can bury the body in the backyard.

Her Bad Mother said...

I love you, you brilliant bitcha-bitch, you!

Nancy said...

J was over at the computer snickering and when I asked what he was laughing at he pointed to the Playmobil figures. And I knew it was time to come on over here.

I wanna know where'd she stash that knife to bring it out so quickly?

J and I are OK in IKEA, but the store has this horrible effect on Mimi -- ever since she was little, it turns her into a screaming blob of jello. I swear, no other store has that effect on her.

SuzanH said...

Ha! Fabulous story!

We didnt even make it to Ikea today. We just had the fight in the car and turned around and went home.

Karl said...

This is why I've never been to Ikea. I've heard about all the peeps being cut all up in there.

Elizabeth said...

Oh NO! She's going to shank her with a shiv!!

Never been to Ikea, now I'm afraid to go. Chris and I find enough shit to fight about as it is.

Never That Easy said...

"I am not afraid to cut you."


No, but I"m afraid to go shopping with you. IKEA, who knew?

ayasud said...

Why do I know I'm going to be having nightmares involving the playmobile peeps tonight? I wonder if the Snuggle bear will make an appearance, too?

Mom101 said...

I want to say something funny but I can't - too busy laughing to think.

Jaelithe said...

Ohh, Terrance needs to rethink that sailor-suit-inspired ensemble.

I think she must have gotten the knife from Ikea's kitchen section, which is conveniently stocked with a variety of sharp implements.

Lori said...

You're fuckin' hilarious Dawn! 'nuff said, just fuckin' hilarious!

TB said...

It's a little scary how much you and Terrance resemble those playmobile peeps.

Andrea said...

after hearing so much about Ikea and it's evilness, I'm really glad I've never ventured there.

But how will you blog from prison?

Fraulein N said...

Much love for the Playmobil Playahs. You are too damn funny.

Mommy Dearest said...

HEY! We had the exact same weekend! Except Josh and I were at the grocery store....and I threaten to shank him in his sleep...he is bigger than I am.

wordgirl said...

Does IKEA hand out complimentary knives to all couples as they come in, or do you have to bring your own?

Diana said...

too frickin funny!

jen said...

girl, you crazy. only you would have (conveniently, I might add) shivs for your playmobil peeps.

athens said...

Hahahah! When my fiance and I went to Ikea, we got into the hugest argument. We had both previously agreed on which items to buy and written the names down, but once we got there he changed his mind! So frustrating. I wish *I* had a knife with me.

mothergoosemouse said...

The knife - WHERE did you get the Playmobil knife? That last shot is priceless.

I hate furniture shopping unless we have talked the subject to death beforehand and know EXACTLY what we're looking for.

halloweenlover said...

I just laughed OUT LOUD and LOUDLY in my office. I think I might have snorted.

We went to Ikea this weekend too, and I think I lost part of my mind.

Ruth Dynamite said...

You got their new catalog, and you went, right? I contemplated doing the same thing, but then I remembered what happened the last time my husband and I went there.

Very, very funny.

Kimberly said...

We never make it to IKEA any more. He starts talking about going to pick up more home organization stuff, and I get on him about how we don't need to buy more STUFF to hold all our STUFF, we just need to GET RID OF some of the STUFF we never use. It just goes downhill from there.

Sugarmama said...

The closest IKEA to me is another state away, but that doesn't mean Husband and I haven't had our fair share of fights over new furniture and pictures and rugs and what-have-you--and we've only been living in this new house a damn week!

Meghan said...

Never a dull moment over here at baleful regards.

LOVE the playmobil photos.

Your mind, is a lovely, whacked specimen.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

You know, I knew I liked you when I met you, but now I think it might be love.

e said...

LOL!

Nadiah Alwi said...

that's funny

LOL!

Plunky said...

OMG. I am laughing so hard I am crying at work. Oh well, I don't think they were going to promote me anyway.

You know these playmobil guys could totally be used in couples therapy too...

Gurukarm said...

ROTFLOL!!! Someone has too much time on her hands before the start of classes, looks like. I can't believe you have all the right Playmobile people and pieces in your (Emily's?) collection to set this up.

Too good. Thanks for today's laugh. :-)

culotte said...

I hate the ikea. Hate it.

sparklykatt said...

Oh god, I'm rolling here! You are so awesome

I have to admit, IKEA is one of my favorite stores. I give SparklyHusband a good lecture before we go in, about how this is my favorite stores, and I get great enjoyment at looking at everything, and if he feels he can't have fun with me he can take Prince Alexi and go eat meatballs while they wait. Over the last couple years he has learned to let me be.

Interesting IKEA sidenote, when we were in Russia adopting our son three years ago there was an IKEA on the way to his orphanage. We never went in, which looking back on it I can't believe we didn't. Can you imagine all those great swedish names spelled in cyrillic?

sweatpantsmom said...

Dawn, you are one bad mutha. I'm trying to catch up on blogs here, but now I'm guffawing so hard I may not make it to your BlogHer posts.

Please don't go on hiatus.

oshee said...

I think I just woke up the entire house laughing. You are wonderful!

Lori said...

Thank you! MUST save old Playmobil and Lego toys for future posts.

 
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