Truly Baleful Regards

Saturday, September 30, 2006

I am stealing this from a variety of folks who have used it...Elizabeth, Feral...

But as I am in a suck ass (oh yes, a double shot of donkey ass for me, thanks!) way, I would like to address the various and sundry things that have conspired to piss me off this week.

1. Upstairs Neighbors

Now, if he shared the ganga, I may be kinder, but DUDE what the fuck is up with your kid who runs around wearing some kind of metal implement on his feet until 11 p.m. at night and then gets up to start it over at 7 a.m.? SERIOUSLY. I want to wring the little fuckers neck EVERY MORNING! And the Furniture moving at 11:30 p.m.?? And the fighting! and the flat wierd stare the wife gives me everytime I try to talk to her... I mean, granted, I am a little odd myself, but if I am smiling and maintaining eye contact with you and trying to establish "rapport" about how hard it is to be a working mom, may I suggest a smile and attempt at conversation rather than an odd explanation of nothing related? For real.

2. My Husband

For leaving me on Monday night until 6:00 P.M. tonight while he went to New York. and slept alone, and ate alone and generally complained about how tired, and sick...and sick and tired he was. Ahem. Fuck you and your silent hotel room. You can tell me how much you love me a billion times and I could give a rats ass. I know you want to have sex tonight, cause you always want to when you've traveled ( like some strange primal mating ritual in which he scent marks me) but HELL, NO. Unless you kill the kid upstairs.

3. My daughter

For being a wicked bad ass during the time her father was away. And touching me constantly. And shrieking and pretending she was "singing" , but wasn't. For licking and kissing me when I clearly don't want to be touched. For stomping her foot and bursting into dramatic sobs this afternoon when I warned her that I was going to KILL her if she didn't knock this shit off. For talking non-fucking-stop for five days and asking for DESSERT from the moment she wakes until the moment she is forced to fall asleep. For waking me up at 6 a.m. to tell me she isn't having "breakfast",but "just a snack of 2 apple bars, cause you're going to get up amd make me eggs... right Mama?" For taunting and poking at the cat until she is scratched, and wanting me to be empathetic. Hell to the Nizz-o, honey.

4. The 23 year old women in my class

Because they have never worked a real job...for pay, with real children or families, nor has a one of them squeezed anything out of their cootch larger than a used condom, I salute you, Oh masters of all things to do with Children and Families. Your insight into parenting and children is a wonder to behold. Last week when one of you raised your hand and asked "How come they do all these experiments with animals and then say that they same thing happens in babies brains? I mean, babies are People, not animals!"

and you respond "Cause we're not allowed to test this stuff on human babies - it wouldn't be ethical" - but do it louder than you intended and make the professor laugh? I fight the urge to seriously bitch slap each and everyone of these girls - every day.

4. 12 oz coffee cup

Is there a fear that MORE coffee might make me Happy? Is there an impending coffee shortage of which I haven't been notified? A paper cup embargo? Who ONLY drinks these tiny cups of coffee?

5. Textbook Publishers

You can all suck my bunghole for making me buy a little book for $75.00. You people think you're clever, dontcha?

6. Suckass Therapists

Even though I found one Thursday who I like. The test? I tell her really awful shit and see if her expression changes. This one didn't even bat an eyelash. Me Likey Ruth. The other two remain on notice.

7. My Hormones

I think I am pre-period...But DAMN. I alternate between wanting to shove my face in a vat of lard frosting and kick puppies as I walk down the street. know....Cheney Mean?

There is a martini calling me. Go in peace, bitches.

29 Baleful Regards:

Anonymous said...

Glad to see that someone else has shared my agony this week!! I have actually spent $800 this week to attend NAEYC national...but mostly to sleep away from the kids!!

SUEB0B said...

I love to put things on notice. Somehow it just makes me feel better.

Me, I'm just sitting here contemplating spending every last dollar I have at the emergency vet...or seeing if the dog's head gash heals itself while I feel like a shitty owner.

Mommygoth said...

Oh god. Cheney mean. I almost peed.

Jaelithe said...

Damn. I think you need a vacation. Or maybe a nanny. Or both. Can't the therapist prescribe that stuff?

I wish you lived closer to me, because if I were your neighbor I would totally take Emily to the zoo for three hours so you could detox. Perhaps Terrance could take her on a daytrip this weekend?

(BTW, can I put bank mortgage officers on notice for trying to play some sort of stupid shell game with interest rates and closing costs every time I try to get a straight answer out of one of them on how much it is going to cost me to buy a house? Just because I am 25 and have never bought a house before doesn't mean I'm a complete idiot who lacks the ability to do arithmatic. I can tell when you're trying to scam me with junk fees, asshats).

5penny said...

Seriously, what is up with the little coffee cups? Doesn't everybody know and understand that the smallest appropriate amount to serve is 16 oz?
Damn fools.

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah. And how.

AngelHawk said...

I looovve it- I don't mean to chuckle at your pain, but I read number 3 out loud to hubby- !! I feel your pain- as moms we have all been there- the problem I have is that sometimes- I like being there! I like being mad and growling at everyone! When I finally emerge from the fog- I am refreshed and a little apologetic. Thanks for letting me know I am not alone! that we are normal!

velocibadgergirl said...

I think you inherited our horrid ex-upstairs-neighbor, whose children used to drop bowling balls off of the furniture until well after we'd gone to bed and run laps in combat boots while SHRIEKING the whole time. I am truly, truly sorry...but please don't send them back.

Anonymous said...

Fuck you and your silent hotel room.

I love you, Dawn.

Her Bad Mother said...

For all of these... I love you and I hoist my martini - um, Nyquil - to you.

Lisa said...

Holy crap! You had a serious shit storm raining down on you this week and weekend. I hope you helped yourself to a bunch of martinis. Because sometimes candy and booze DO make everything seem better.

Unknown said...

My God, Dawn, that's a hell of an OnNotice list. Like someone asked you over at Gimlet, how have these girls made it all the way to a PhD program? Didn't they have to do any internships in classrooms or anything?

That being said, you need to sit Terrance down and talk to him about how you are just one person and parenting Emily is a two person job. He wants her off her meds, he needs to help her cope.

E. said...

"...nor has a one of them squeezed anything out of their cootch larger than a used condom." This image made me laugh to beat the fucking band. And hell yes, once we've squeezed a small human being out of our vagina (I've done it, and I still can't believe it actually works that way), we lay claim to a much higher level of authority. Hell yes. (Having your lower abdomen sliced open a small human being lifted out counts, too, need I add.)

Anonymous said...

I just found your blog and you are SO being added to my feeds. :-) Love the post.

You can all suck my bunghole for making me buy a little book for $75.00

Love it!

Cristina said...

Those texbook publishers can suck my bunghole too! I swear that 30% of my student loans went to paying back textbook fees. (Oh, but wait, make that 29% of my student loans because I was able to re-sell *some* of those texbooks back to the bookstore for 1/49th of the sale price. score!)

Anonymous said...

God you're funny when you're in a "suck ass way".

Anonymous said...

I'd write a long comment here about how much your rage made me laugh...but I have to stop laughing first.

Anonymous said...

Hi Dawn, long time reader, first time commenter.

You are a wonderful writer, and I especially love hearing about Montreal & McGill (I went to McGill for three years, though I was on the upper campus).

Re coffee cup sizes, I used to bring a HUGE steel coffee mug to the Tim Hortons at the lower campus library and they'd fill it right up.

Re nasty, loud neighbours, good luck. I am the crappiest of sleepers, and have finally resorted to ear plugs. I can still hear some things, but it definitely helps. And they usually fall out part way through the night--they're more just to let me get to sleep. And while they may feel a bit odd and take some getting used to, they have become a must for me. The best ones that I've found are the orange ones that you can by at Shopper's Drug Mart (oh wait...the name is different in French, and I can't for the life of me remember it...)--well, anyway, there's one on St. Catherine near rue Guy. Anyway, it's just a thought...
Good luck!! Cheers, Wilma

Anonymous said...

Dawn, you're the best!
Ya help me remember we're all going thru suck ass stuff now and again (or still...)
Oh, and slap all the 23 year old bitches you want my friend, slap 'em silly!

Jess Riley said...

Sing it, Dawn! I myself have been floating in a cloud of rage lately...hormones? my husband? small cups? 23 year old women? Targets of my rage, all. I hear you loud and clear. ;)

Bobita said...

I straight-up love you, babe.
Word to yo mutha.
Put all the bitches on notice!!

Anonymous said...

Oh my god. Em's in rare form. Maybe you could hurry along her friend making process and then suggest she and her new pal have a sleepover at their house of course. Or you could send her upstairs to play with the neighbor's kid and kill two birds with one stone.

Sugarmama said...

God, I love a woman who also yells at her pre-tween daughter. Truly, I sometimes resent that we're not allowed to spank kids anymore for fear of child services paying us a visit. 'Cause my darling girl needs a good ass-whuppin' FREQUENTLY these days.

Anonymous said...

I think I love you, with your picture and your "Cheney mean" and your suck assedness. I'm sorry things have been so hectic, and if I lived closer, I'd totally spell you for a bit. But I have to say, your badassedness makes me giggle. I think I have a crush on you.

Debbie said...

Cheney mean.

That's fucking MEAN. I'm assuming you don't have access to hunting weaponry at the moment.

that would be bad.

Anonymous said...

12 ounce cups for coffee should seriously, seriously be outlawed.

I hope you're doing a little bit better this week and have managed to regain a bit of your personal space. But if you need someone to come on a rampage with you, I'm your girl.

Love and smooches.

Anonymous said...

Twelve ounces ain't enough coffee in the mornings, and twelve ounces ain't enough beer in the evenings.

There's a sex embargo at our house too. I don't foresee an end either.

Mignon said...

How'd you get your notice things on his little board? That's coooool!

And why won't bloglines put our Updated marks on anything any more?

$75 for a book? You're not taking engineering classes are you? My book money cost damn near as much as my beer money! And that was a lot!

Meghan said...

You are the most entertaining bitcher I know of. I especially like the vat-o-frosting puppy kicking image. THAT one got a laugh. Good work.

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