"Black Bear, Black Bear What do YOU see?"

Monday, August 27, 2007

My brain is filled with odd, trivial and at times useless information. My penchant for watching the History, Discovery, Learning, and National Geographic channels has rolled itself into the seething mass of facts, information and bizarre ability to recall information that is my brain.

Seriously. From song lyrics to the mating habits of Pandas. It all rolls around in there, waiting to be plucked out with absolute authority at the right time.

Sometimes I seem preternaturally smart. Others? Freakishly quirky.

Several years ago, I was helping to "facilitate" a intensive, week long graduate seminar. The person I was helping asked if I would grab her piece of cheesecake before we walked back to the hotel. It was late and we had finished prepping for the following morning.

I grabbed her cheesecake and we started to walk back.

Now, understand that this seminar was being held at a lovely resort in New Hampshire. A resort in the wilderness. With Bears. Lots and Lots of Bears.

Dee and I were walking with one of the Instructors. Chatting. Laughing. General Merriment.

When I spotted something moving. Over there to the left. Hmmph. Kind of looks like a big dog. Lots of dogs here at the resorts with their families.

I continue to walk, holding my friends slice of cheesecake. The "dog" continues to walk towards us.

I say, "Hey.....Is that a bear?". I stop walking to get a better look. I then, in my best helpful Mutual of Omaha Wild Kingdom voice, say this: "If it is a bear, we should stay very still so they ignore us and keep moving."

I may have heard this on a "surviving a bear attack" segment on Discovery channel. I may have also forgotten that I was holding a piece of cheesecake.

I freeze per the helpful Discovery channel instructions.

I glance behind me to see Dee and the Instructor running back to the conference center. I then realize I am holding a delicious piece of cheesecake and that the "dog" IS, in fact, a black bear. Walking towards me. Snuffling with intent.

Having committed to my tactic of "freezing to make the bear believe I wasn't there", I remained in place. Frozen. Cake in hand.

The bear continues to approach. Snuffling. He glances at me, swinging his black bear head over to the right to look at me and the cake. While I would like to believe that it was my quick thinking that made the bear decide I was not worth mauling, I suspect that this bear was fat and happy from the garbage left around the resort. My body, ample as it may be and topped with a slice of cheesecake, was no contest when faced with the gourmet haul this bear was gorging on every night.

But let it be known. My friend HAD her piece of cheesecake that night. And I had a martini. A very strong martini.

10 Baleful Regards:

Anonymous said...

Royboy is a History ,Discovery Channel, etc. etc. created repository(I first typed suppository) of everything- I mean everything. The black bear would have totally freaked him out.

Lisa said...

OH MY GOD. You had me on the edge of my seat, woman. Oh that is FUNNY. And a strong martini? INDEED! I'm surprised you only had one. And I'm impressed that your pants were still dry after that!

Bobita said...

Had you been with me? We would have had some damn bells on our shoes and whistles around our necks!

You are soooo my hero for getting that cheesecake to your friend! But I have to know...did you give those bitches a little bitch slap for abandoning you? Please tell me you did!

Anonymous said...

MOG. I would have needed a double.

Jaelithe said...

Your friend should treasure the memory of that cheesecake for the rest of her life.

mamatulip said...

I freeze per the helpful Discovery channel instructions.

*snort* This is me. I freeze in such situations, too. It's a lovely, life-saving quality.

Anonymous said...

My husband and sons who camp on a regular basis say that a desperately hungry bear will eat toothpaste with the utmost relish! So...anything edible gets placed in a "bear bag" and hung in a tree...away from the tent. A hopeful bribe so that the bears might stay away from the humans.

Fraulein N said...

Oh my LORD. I think I would have pissed my pants. And then hoped bears don't like the scent of human piss.

Anonymous said...

I think I would have punted that cheescake in the hopes that the bear would chase after it.

For some reason, I just crack up whenever anyone mentions bears. The concept of a bear just strikes me as funny. And I am certain that is because I have never been face to face with one (as an adult - b/c actually, when I was in the 5th grade, I awoke to find a bear standing on its hind legs about 200 meters from me! I'd almost blocked the entire memory of that out, LOL!).

Ruth Dynamite said...

I was just having this "What should you do when you see a black bear?" discussion the other day. Luckily, my friends, like you, watch a lot of Discovery Channel.

Glad you weren't eaten.

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