Dawn Vs Stairs

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Montreal,QC. -

In a stunning display of lack of coordination yesterday, Dawn was handed a crushing defeat in her long time rivalry with the back stairs.

Witnesses tell Balefulregards that Dawn seemed to be simply minding her own business, shucking sweet corn on the back steps yesterday when the unthinkable happened.

" I was talking with her on the phone, and heard her walk back into the house, place the now denuded corn on the counter and walk back out to gather the bag with the corn droppings when there was let loose an other worldly scream", the elusive other Mrs Baker is quoted as saying.

"I kept saying, "Dawn? Dawn?" when I heard a voice say "I'M OK", the witness continued. "It was clear, however, that she was NOT Ok as her voice had that funny clearly injured quality to it." Ruling out the assumption that her spouse pushed her down the stairs the other Mrs Baker continued, "Then I heard Terrance Yell out the window, "What happened?" to which Dawn yelled back "I fell down the stairs!!"

It was at this point that the other Mrs Baker grew solemn. "Then he made the mistake of saying "How did you do that?".I could tell that really pissed her off cause she began to yell at him that she didn't know and that she thought she was really hurt and to come help her! Then, I heard a voice say "I'll call you back..." and the line went dead."

Witnesses in the home tell Balefulregards that Dawn then crawled back up the metal stairs, into the kitchen and lay face down on the floor, sobbing. Phrases overheard included "I can't feel my arm", "I think I broke something" and "Imreallyreallyhurtdonttouchmejesuschristimeanitdonttouchme".

Following a gingerly administered exam, Terrance determined that Dawn did not break her arm, but did bruise the hell out of several parts of her body. He then pulled her to an upright position and led his hysterically crying wife to the bedroom where he applied a sack of ice to her elbow and offered her copious amounts of Advil.

Reached for comment today, Dawn expressed admiration for the sneak attack methods applied by the metal stairs in their overwhelming defeat of her dignity and physical well being. "I can barely fucking move", said Dawn through her haze of Advil. "And this massive bruise highlights my arm fat to perfection. It is as if you CAN'T look away from my fat, bruised arm. I hurt muscles I was unaware of possessing. I salute you, metal stairs."

A rematch is not expected anytime soon.

13 Baleful Regards:

Woman with Kids said...

Oh, ouch. Damn those stairs! They're in cahoots with the cabinet that jumps out and hits my funny bone, I know it!

Hope you feel better.

House of Jules said...

I'm so sorry you fell down your stairs, but the post was hysterical! Don't you LOVE it when you injure yourself and the person closest to you at the moment of injury asks, "How did you do that" or even better, "WHY did you do that?" instead of assisting immediately?
Heal soon!

Bubblewench said...

ok. I laughed at the post but I really hope you are ok! Damn attack stairs! Shoot them.

Miguelita said...

Sorry you fell but that was damn funny.
I fell over a stupid Little Tikes rocking horse the other night, while carrying a huge load of laundry. My husband said he felt like I fell in slow motion and there was nothing he could do it about it but watch. It hurt like hell and I have a bruise on my leg in the shape of the horse's fake plastic mane. I hate that horse.

Anonymous said...


When you're recovered, you need to kick those steps' asses. (Or is it ass, singular?)

Mitzi Green said...

damn, girl--we're old, we can't take a fall like we used to. i hope you're feeling better. and now i REALLY can't wait to move and get the hell away from our very narrow, very steep basement stairs that have been threatening to kill me since the day we moved in...

Anonymous said...

Glad to see you're able to find the humor, or at least you're able to write a humorous note about a terrible fall. Here's to a speedy recovery.

Anonymous said...

Oh, the cruel treachery of metal stairs! A pox upon them!

Lizarita said...

OH NO! I hope you are better quickly. Damn stairs.

FunnyGal KAT said...

Sorry for your fall, but that is a hysterical recounting of "the incident." I especially love the last line.

Well done!

Anonymous said...

Ohh Dawn - sorry to hear about the fall. Sending you extra strength Advil and special treats to help you recuperate faster! Damned stairs. They are in with the curb that made me fall and break my leg in June. We'll get em....some how.
Fell better soon!

Anonymous said...

Glad to hear you did no permanent damage other than to your ego.

Feel better soon.

Lisa said...

Oh man that SSSUUUCCCKKKSSS. SO sorry.

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