Meditations on a Theme

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Dear Period:

You psyched me out this month, I'll hand it to you. That little "cramping and spotting on Thursday night only to disappear until she had forgotten about me Sunday afternoon and was in Vermont" trick was new. I fell for it.

Dear Tampax:

I bought your "jumbo" box of assorted tampons today. Two things. First Kudos on coming down in price. I think these boxes were like 15 bucks when I first started my "cycle" 25 years ago. Of course, now that I think about it, you are probably using chemical soaked faux cotton from I need to STOP thinking about it before I get all freaked out. Second, come close Tampax. I see here in this box many of the Super version, and some of the Regular...but whats this here? Lite? Lite tampons?

Tampax, Tampax, Tampax. I am 37 years old. I have borne a child. What am I supposed to do with these "lite" tampons? Tie three of them together and make a Super? Construct a house for Playmobil people from them? No adult woman needs these tampons. If you believe that we do, then your marketing and research people must be fired immediately. Actually, I think they must not sell, so you trick us into buying them when we buy the Jumbo boxes. Crafty bastards.

Dear Always Overnight Pads:

Stop changing your damn packaging design. I finally found what I am pretty sure are the ones I buy, only to find that you have changed what the pad looks like. But that didn't bother me as much as removing the backing and finding that the wings portion of your product has ADDITIONAL backing to remove. It is not a Present. I do not need twelve layers to unwrap. This is clearly not the moment to spring design changes on me.

Dear New Job I start tomorrow:

I will try to be very medicated (Hurrah! Advil Liquigels and Prozac) and have ingested as much coffee as I can hold before arriving on your proverbial doorstep. The fact that you have booked me into meetings/lectures kind of scares me, as this is not my primary field of expertise. In fact, I would say that this lies about 286 degrees away from my primary field of expertise. However, I am willing to give it the old broke graduate student try. I only hope that I do not break down and cry due to the reasons stated above. If I feel so inclined, I plan on poking myself in the eye in order to fake an injury which would require tears.

14 Baleful Regards:

Mignon said...

Madeleine uses the Lite's as some kind of first aid for her Polly Pockets. As far as I'm concerned, you may as well just hand me a pair of bloody underwear to put on with my Lite Tampax.

The Always ONs I buy have the backing stuck to the wrapper and I have yet to figure out which package has the winged version.

286 degrees? As in just a little North-Northwest of your field? You go! Get some chocolate something-or-other beforehand too! You're gonna knock their freakin socks off!

BetteJo said...

OMG I thought I was the only one about to write to Tampax! What's with the skirt?? Who is it benefiting? Not me - I guess I like my tampons not quite so frilly. And these new ones don't expand as much either. Is that because they now have a skirt to catch the excess?????

Well guess what?? It doesn't work!!!

Anonymous said...

I carry a lite tampon with me at all times. I figure that if I ever get shot, I'll need something to plug that bullet hole.

When I was a kid, my brother and I stole a box of them from under the sink in the bathroom and pretended they were bombs. We bombed the hell out of the dog. My mother was not impressed.

You know what I hate about Always? I mean besides the constant packaging changes. "Have a happy period." Screw you, Always. Not everyone can go horseback riding.

Bubblewench said...

I feel for ya.. good luck not having the super breakdown at your new job! You can do it!

Anonymous said...

God. Pads and pantyliners are the most confusing things ever. Just ask my husband, who always comes back from the grocery store with jumbo maxis with the wingspan of a terodactyl when all I wanted was the thong pantyliners. Poor dear.

Good luck today . . .

SUEB0B said...

First, the name ALWAYS offends me. Isn't 5 days a month bad enough?

And second, good luck on the new job.

Miguelita said...

Lite Tampons can only benefit 11 year old virgins. And even then, only on the light days.

Good luck in the new job. The first few weeks on a new job are so annoying. All of those forms and silly busywork until the real works starts. And when to fit in the blog reading?

Girlplustwo said...

three letters: IUD. it's the modern day version that comes complete with no. period. ever.

good luck tomorrow.

Lisa said...

You got your period while recovering from that stairs injury. AND starting a new job? Holy hell. I thought I had alot going on...

OH I have a use for those lite tampons. My husband had a surgery this past Friday to fix a deviated septum. They shoved something up his nose that looks AN AWFUL lot like a tampon. It even had strings that they taped on the bridge of his nose.

I wonder if the doctor just shoves a light tampon up both nostrils then bills patient $50 just for said "Packing." Hmmmm

Fraulein N said...

Good luck on the new job! They really need to put out a combo pack WITHOUT Lite tampons. Instead, maybe they could put in a few more Super tampons? We should sign a petition.

I'm serious.

Angel said...

LOL!!! This was funny! I hate all the little tabs on those pads too...and quit changing! I finally got my husband trained to get the right kind and you go and change the packaging!!

Jamie said...

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Bobita said...

Here, here! Tampax, fer chrissakes, why don't you just market those lite muthafuckas as your brand of Q-tip cotton swabs?! They might work for ear-wax, they DO NOT however, work for the monthly va-jay-jay leakage of the red kind.

And, make that new job yo bitch, sistah!


Anonymous said...

Oh, the constantly changing packaging. And the wings that so helpfully channel the stains right onto my underwear. This is why I use cloth pads.

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