Anxiety, the gift that keeps on giving

Monday, September 19, 2005

I saw my therapist this morning. I love that she has 7 am appointments.

We talked about how my anxiety at times keeps me from doing things out of my fear. This may suprise some people that know me, as I can seem fairly fearless - but I'm not. I have lots of fears. This comes of growing up in an incredibly turbulent household, with teenage parents, in which I was often the most rational and clear thinking person in the home.

Many fears are similar to other people's - fear of being stabbed, fear of spiders. But I have others- fear of having no health insurance, fear of having to eat Ramen noodles for meals involuntarily, fear of dressing my child in clothes found in Wal-Mart. Most of these fears have to do with having - or not having money. Having had no reliable adults to trust as I was growing up, I had to rely on myself. While it is all well and good to be self-reliant, I now have a hard time placing even a smidgeon of my life in any one elses hands - Even my husbands.

Take my doctoral program. I can do the work - I can do the work with my eyes closed - I am having a hard time prying my brain off of being an "earner" for the household- because then I am out of control - reliant on someone else for my daily bread.

But, as my very wise therapist pointed out this morning - I am choosing this anxiety. But why? What purpose does it serve? I can see what purpose it served when I was a child - or even a young adult, but now? There is no reason for my keeping this residual anxiety around, except to continue to hold myself back.

0 Baleful Regards:

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