"The Real Life Quiz"

Thursday, December 29, 2005

At a recent visit to Walmart- (Mecca of the dammed) I was absentmindly waiting for my turn to place my items on the conveyor belt of doom when my eyes fell upon the magazines on display. Now, mind you I was also wrestling various things ( lighters, arsenic, the tools of Vlad the Impaler) from my child’s grasp and trying to remember if we Needed toilet paper OR had far too much toilet paper.

There it was. The answer to all life’s mysteries. A magazine quiz about how to tell if your man was really “into” you. Of course, this was accompanied by a photograph of a nubile 16 year old in a push up bra with come hither eyes.

On the drive home, I pondered the real quiz. You know – the real life quiz. The “I want to marry you (or settle down and make a life commitment for my gay and lesbian peeps for whom this isn’t an option quite yet), and possibly have children with you and have a joint checking account and wash your underwear” quiz.

So I decided to write one. This is my “Real life Partnership Quiz”. Play along at home. Write your own questions, even. It isn’t how good you look on the second date. It isn’t sex secrets that will keep him satisfied. It’s life. And Life ain’t pretty….

My partner Always waits for me (wink, wink , know what I mean… Waits…)
a) Yes. Fair is Fair. In fact, I generally get to go first.
b) Not usually. Is something else supposed to happen? It isn’t all about him?
c) What are you talking about?

You have a raging case of the flu. You are vomiting and spreading effluvia about the house. Your partner:
a) Gets up and begins cleaning – making sure you are all right, helps to put toothpaste on your toothbrush, then brings you water and puts you back into bed
b) Mutters “Are you OK” and then falls back to sleep
c) Sleeps through it completely and then gets mad at you for making him “sick”

You are experiencing a wicked bout of PMS. Does your partner:
a) Remarks how lovely you look today and offer to make dinner
b) Asks if there is anything wrong with you
c) Wonders aloud why you are being a “wicked bitch” and then talks about “that time of the month” and being “on the rag”

You have had a miserable day at work. Your partner:
a) Listens patiently and offers no suggestions about how to fix it, while handing you a glass of wine
b) Suggests that he kick your co-workers asses
c) Tells you that he has his own problems and to stop whining - JESUS!


You and your partner have a child. You both work. Do you:
a) Share sick days so that both of you don’t get in trouble at work
b) Mainly it is Mom who stays home, but he will if it’s REALLY important
c) Husbands don’t’ take care of sick children. Ever.


The sick child vomits profusely at 3 a.m. Does you partner;
a) Gets up and helps you start laundry while bathing said child and changing all sheets and linens and carpet, and walls
b) Ask if you need any help while remaining firmly in bed
c) Sleeps through it and asks why you are so tired the next morning.

The biggest fight you have had involves:
a) Money
b) Children
c) How you have let yourself “go” and if you loved him you would be more enthusiastic about oral sex

You are going out with girlfriends. Does your partner:
a) Smile and say “Have a great time Honey”
b) Complains about having to “babysit” his child
c) Doesn’t come home so you have to cancel your plans

Your partner knows the correct answer to “Does this make me look fat?’
a) Yes. The answer is always “No” – Regardless.
b) He answers honestly and tells me when I could stand to lose a few pounds
c) He needs no prompting to tell me that my ass is taking over the house

You have gone out and spent $200 on two pairs of shoes. Does you partner:
a) Tell you that you work hard and deserve those amazing shoes – Besides it IS your money
b) Ask why you need another pair of shoes
c) Complain that you could have bought him some video game


Bonus Question (For Elizabeth , whose husband TOTALLY aced this one)
You have three children, one of whom is a newborn. Does your husband:
a) Let you sleep uninterrupted for several hours while attending to all the children cause he knows how tired you are
b) Lets the children crawl all over you shouting “Mommy – I’m Hungry”, so that you never fall asleep and then thrusts a crying baby in your directions saying “I don’t have boobs”
c) Leaves the house and goes out to a sports bar

13 Baleful Regards:

Beth said...

ooh! i like the real life quiz!

here's one:

Your partner receives $500 as a Christmas gift. Does he/she:

a.) run out and buy the Tiffany earring you have been lusting after?

b.) automatically invest the $500 in a low-risk bond, in hopes that it will help to offset the college bills in 15 years?

c.) drive to Best Buy the day after Christmas in freezing rain to buy video games, a wireless router and 10 DVDs?

Beth said...

earring*s*, i mean.

though, with only $500 to spend on Tiffany jewelry - it might just be "earring".

Contrary said...

I am pleased to be able to say that my Pookie Bear passed with flying colors.

I also took the test in reverse and I'm sorry to say he got the much worse end of the bargain. Poor man.

TB said...

Ooh Wal Mart really is the seventh cirle of hell. I'm proud to say I haven't stepped foot in one in over a year.

Contrary, I was thinking the exact same thing.

Sugarmama said...

This is an excellent quiz--thanks! My husband also did great on this, with only a few "b" answers here and there. But I also second Contrary's experience, I'm afraid...

Nancy said...

J did well on this, except for the part about the shoes.

Like most of the rest of you, I am not sure I proved to be quite as nice a spouse, particularly with respect to any questions involving lost sleep.

Lisa said...

Great post. My hubby is one of those who would sleep through all of the puking, crying and other stuff.

Elizabeth said...

Hurray! BC is the subject of a marriage quiz question! Thanks, Dawn, that was really nice :)

He also answered "A" on most of the other questions, except for the PMS one, because honestly, sometimes I deserve "C".

And on Beth's question, he would definitely blow $500 at Best Buy, except on camera equipment OR the new XBOX 360. I don't need Tiffany earrings anyway.

halloweenlover said...

Okay, I was going along with the questions, doing fine, until I hit this one, and now I can no longer go on.

"Gets up and helps you start laundry while bathing said child and changing all sheets and linens and carpet, and walls"

CARPET?!?!

WALLS?!?!

Children vomit on the walls????? Tell me it isn't true.

I may need to revisit my stance on wanting to have children. I feel sick.

Cindy said...

Ahh yes children vomit on walls, and in your hair, and down your shirt, sometimes even in your own mouth. I am blessed with a child who threw up once all over his bed, his pillow 14 stuffed animals, and himself, then stripped naked and went back to sleep on the floor of his room. Never even woke me.....

Beth said...

you know -- the thought of vomit has always made me sick. even my own grosses me out. and then I had the kids, and I find myself cupping my hands so they can vomit into them if they can't make it to the toilet. something must rewire during pregnancy - you become immune to their poop and puke.

mothergoosemouse said...

Yeah, Kyle aced the quiz too. Even the shoe question. The only time he even batted an eye at a shoe purchase was when I bought one pair for more than the amount in that question - and they were HALF PRICE.

I have cleaned blueberry puke off walls. Kyle bathed the child as I gathered up laundry and headed down to the building's laundry room, accidentally hitting "L" instead of "G", so that the elevator door opened and our night doorman got an eyeful. Oy.

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