A new feature writer here at Baleful regards

Friday, December 30, 2005

Today on “I am doing the best that I can”, the editorial staff is pleased to present Q&A regarding parenting questions. Today’s guest writer is Vlad the Impaler, well-known child development specialist:

Q: Dear Vlad,

I am perplexed by the behavior of my 18 month old child. She has recently taken to throwing full out temper tantrums every time that I tell her “No”. This occurs even when I telling her “No” for a good reason, like not petting a rabid dog, or touching live power lines. Is there some other way I can convey my intentions to her without the giant hissy fit being thrown?

Yours,
Earth Mother


A:

I am Vlad the Impaler! Ruler of Wallachia. In one day, I impaled 30,000 merchants for disobeying trade laws and left their bodies to rot outside the city walls. None shall disobey me.

When the Turkish ambassador refused to remove their Phrygian hats, I had the hats nailed to their heads to remind them of my power. I have bathed in rivers of blood and rejoiced in the suffering of my enemy’s.

In reference to your spawn, I suggest you impale her on a stick and see how she likes it. If she continues to defy you, I would cut off her hands to keep her from touching anything you have decreed off limits. If she persists on screaming, her tongue can easily be removed.

Now leave my sight, before I send the army of Romania to destroy your bloodline.*


*The views of Vlad the Impaler do not reflect the views of the editorial staff and must be viewed in the light of one demonic rulers opinion.


Feel free to submit your own child development questions to Vlad. He would be happy to respond.

9 Baleful Regards:

Contrary said...

Dear Vlad,

How do you convince a very stubborn 3 year old that he *wants* to be potty trained and that Mommy *wants* to stop changing his nasty ass diapers?

Sugarmama said...

Dear Vlad,
My previously charming and polite 7-1/2 year old daughter has recently picked up the habit of rudeness. She rolls her eyes, stomps off, responds to requests in a sarcastic fashion, ignores things spoken directly to her, and just generally appears to be entering teenagehood at an extremely early age. What's a nice but fed-up mama to do?

roo said...

Vlad, I bow before you in fear and reverence. I admire your tough-love approach to child care.

Jess said...

Dear Vlad,

Pls send the Romanian army to my house, as I need some help prepping for this party I'm throwing tonight. Looking for no nonsense individuals (preferably armed) who are fearless in the face of copious amounts of cat hair.

Postscript: Vlad, you are more than welcome to attend aforementioned party, as bloodshed and (drunken) carnage are almost certainly expected. Promise plenty of opportunities for sadism, etc.
Your humble servant,
Fancypants

Nancy said...

Dear Vlad,

How do I get my nearly 4-year-old to eat?

How do I get my 15 month old to sleep?

Anxiously and humbly awaiting your advice.

Sincerely,
Mom Ma'am Me

Lisa said...

I have a question --

Dear Vlad,

My 3.5 year old HATES to take naps and going to be before 11:30 p.m. There is always too much screaming, whining, begging and pleading. (50% child, 50% me.) How do I make this whole mess easier on ME?

Also, my child HATES to play by himself. How do I get him to entertain himself even long enough to pee in privacy?

Sincerely,
Tired mommy who hasn't peed or showered by herself in 3.5 years.

Diana said...

Vlad- I have but one humble request. Might I put your number on speed-dial for the next time my 14 month old decides HE is in charge and there will be NO bedtime, eating, "no" saying...etc.
He has behaved but he lets some of his demons out sometimes...
That is all...
and I am bowing before you next to Roo!!!

JenfromBoston said...

Dear Vlad-

How do you get a 3 year old to STOP ASKING QUESTIONS? I mean, I know there's a lot out there that needs explaining, the world is new to them and all. I get that. But when you are innocently enjoying the flick Mary Poppins w/ said 3 year old and naturally there's stuff that comes up i.e. jumping into paintings, the flying nannies, ther TERM nanny, laughter causing one to be airborne, etc. So you explain "magic". "Magic?" and then there's the 8 follow ups questions. JUST WATCH THE MOVIE, SARAH!!

Beth said...

vlad-

how can i make my husband clean the cat litter? it is his job. i mean, seriously, he has very few chores. why can't he do this one? should i hot glue the litter scoop to his hand?

any suggestions?

Beth *kneeling humbly*

 
◄Design by Pocket