Tainted by Taint

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

I am a strong woman. I have experienced much in my life. I am a master of ignoring adversity and plowing through to my goal.


I have a weakness.

Which my hated co-worker found last week.

She seems bound and determined to irritate me every day.

Even after I have meditated and looked for ways to block this evil from my sight.

Really, people. I have tried to ignore this cyst of a person. This repugnant, putrid stump of a human being. This “Jabba the Hut”, base, mannerless creature. This Gollem in female form. A person who I have heard counsel clients to “Kick ‘em in the balls” on the PHONE, in an OFFICE!! She falls asleep in meetings with snorty snores that bring everyone’s attention to her apparent narcolepsy. ( here I break into weak sobs of futile resignation)

My weakness? My nose. I have a very sensitive nose.

When her stanky designer imposter cologne failed to drive me away, she found a new way to torture me.

At first I couldn’t determine what the odor I was detecting was, nor from whence it was wafting. It was a puzzle, an enigma. I began looking around, under my desk, and then I saw it.

She took off her cracked Payless Pleather shoes that were clearly purchased in 1987, and let her foot funk fly under my desk. She then left them off and walked around on these crusty hooves for the afternoon.

So between the funk and the sight of feet that have been so severely neglected that a pumice stone would flee at the sight of them, she wins. Her and her cracked, old, cheap, worn down heel shoes. The musty funk that she calls cologne. The polyester tents she wears that are shirts.

I have been beaten by Taint.

14 Baleful Regards:

Anonymous said...

I know I should not be laughing in the face of your olfactory agony, but, oh, "foot funk" and "crusty hooves" in the same paragraph? You're killing me here.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes, when getting a pedicure, I'll thing "Gosh, I wonder what this poor girl thinks of my feet." Then I'll look to the left or right and notice somebody with a similar level of neglect to this woman of which you speak and I feel better. I think, "Now THOSE are bad!"

How does somebody slide socks, or worse, knee-high hose, over crusty hooves like that and not think, "Wow, I need some help."

Anonymous said...

There is no excuse for poor hygiene in the workplace. Especially not when the rest of us have to be subjected to it. And it can't be safe for her to walk around in her bare feet. She might get a staple in her hoove. Can you make an anonymous call to your HR department?

Mama D said...

You funny. Sorry to hear about that though. Perhaps you could discreetly leave something on her desk that would make her feet smell better?

Sugarmama said...

Nas-ty! Does she really do all this on purpose?!

Anonymous said...

The phrase "crusty hooves" is seriously turning my stomach.

Anonymous said...

Ewwwwww. I can almost picture this woman, and it's not pleasant.

Don't let the Taint get you down!

sweatpantsmom said...

Ugh. That some funky shit.

What about leaving her notes scribbled on the back of an Odor Eaters pad?

mamatulip said...

Crusty hooves.


Julie Marsh said...

Ditto Madge re the fleeting thoughts during the pedicure.

I don't know; working for the government, you may be forced to put up with the Taint (which I actually thought was a euphemism for a certain area of the body about which we mothers learn entirely too much while we are PG - think massage, and not the good kind). I never had any rank co-workers back at the Pentagon, but I knew some people who did, and there's just not that much that can be done. If you can't fire them for incompetence, Taint ain't going to cut it either.

Anonymous said...

At least you can't smell her taint.

(I hope.)

V said...

Ewwww! Ick!
WHY would she leave her shoes under your desk???? Why, oh why??? ICK!

Diana said...

gross. i'm with tb on the anon. letter to hr, that can't be healty, and I imagine others are noticing the red level of grossness, (as well as the smell, because no matter how sensitive your nose is, funky feet cannot hide)

Fraulein N said...

I think I'm going to throw up. I know this woman. I'm pretty sure I've been on the bus with her.

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