In which I reveal my age by the School House Rock and my husbands neurosis

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Last Night, my Bed.

Me: “Emily, It’s time to read me your book”
Em: “I don’t want to read to you”
Me: “Emily, you have to do a book report tomorrow and you have to read this book out loud to me – every day”
Em: “No, I don’t.”
Me: “Get your ass in the bedroom and read me the book”

Emily complies and reads an incredibly whiny rendition of “Sunshine and Moonshine”

Me: “Ok, read it again – without the whining”
Look of death is shot to me over the “Easy Reader”

Em: “If I do, can I have some dessert?”
Me: “If you don’t, can you got to bed right now?”

Deeeeeeeep Sigh. The horror. The pain of being forced to read to your mother.
She proceeds to read beautifully, with nice articulation and annunciation. Her tone is animated and relaxed.

Em: “OK, I read it to you. Can I watch TV now?”
Terrance: “No, no more TV. You’ve watched enough TV today”
Em: WHAT? BUT PHIL OF THE FUTURE IS ON! AND WHAT ABOUT RAVEN?”
Terrance: “I Said No. If you want to watch something, you can watch the School House Rock videos – at least they can teach you something”
Em: “NOOOOOOOOOOO! I don’t want to have them teach me something”
Terrance: “You’ll watch the School House Rock Videos or Nothing – do you hear? Nothing!”
Em: “Fine, I’ll watch the stupid School house rock videos”

Yes -The threat of being taught something by the insidious School House Rock videos. Will this outrage never end?



Later on that evening. I am in the bathroom doing some “landscaping”. There is a knock on the door.

Terrance: “When you’re done, don’t forget to clean the parts”
Me: “Yeah, I know, I know.”
Terrance: “Here, use this”

He opens the door a tiny crack and passes through a bottle of “GermX” sanitizer.

Terrance: Wipe it down with that when you’re done”


How did we ever conceive a child?

19 Baleful Regards:

The Gradual Gardener said...

Ah, I am familiar with both the "Look of Death" and the deep sigh. Just wait until she's a teenager!

Mom101 said...

How is it possible NOT to like schoolhouse rock? Am I just old? Man, I knew every one by heart. It didn't even feel like learning.

Kristen said...

Schoolhouse rock -- um -- totally rocks, hello?!

And, as far as the cooch-trimming goes - my husband cleans out his coffee pot with a q-tip - just imagine what he does when I'm done with that thing. LOL.

Diana said...

GERM X? Does he rinse his mouth out with that? Funny, very funny. My hubby is obsessive about his clippers, though I've never used them, I've actually watched him clean them for twenty minutes.

Nancy said...

I like how you tied together the themes of the previous two posts (Emily going to bed and the clippers.) I feel my life has come full circle now.

Big-A LOVES schoolhouse rock. She will watch it for HOURS, which I love because I'll rock right along.

Jaelithe said...

I need to get me some School House rock videos.

If it helps, Dawn, I am 25 and I remember them ;)

Jaelithe said...

School House Rock, even, not School House rock. Perhaps I need to watch more educational television.

(Or maybe try less child-assisted typing hehe)

mothergoosemouse said...

I do have Schoolhouse Rock - must try that soon, as I am getting really sick and tired of Barbie. Who in the hell decided to animate her undersized ass?

And what is it with TV? Why is TV so freaking important to kids? WHY?

I am cracking up about the clippers. We can't win, can we? Kristen's husband is pissed because she hasn't used them; meanwhile, Terrance wants to dictate every aspect of their use. Maybe they would change their tunes if you scheduled bi-weekly wax appointments at $50 a pop.

mama_tulip said...

LOL. Julia's the same way. She'll be standing in the living room grabbing her crotch, crossing her legs.

"Julia, let's go pee."

"NOOO! DORA'S ON!"

jen said...

I think terrance shold have left out the part about "learning something". automatic uncool points with kids, no?

Bill Cosby Himself does stand the test of time - best one liners ever for people w/ kids. "don't you ROLL your EYES at ME, mister! I'll ROLL that little head of yours down onto the floor!"

Re; Germ X
the hell? what exactly does he think he'll catch - I mean, you guys do DO it on occassion, no? I am assuming he's gotten hella more up close and personal with this particular region of yours.

Sugarmama said...

Holy crap, I'm glad I read the comments! I thought I knew which "parts" your husband was referring to, and I was deeply, DEEPLY offended for you! Phew!

Lisa said...

Ok. Maybe there's a plus to being married to a complete slob. I could trim the crotches of 10 crack whores with his trimmer and I don't think it would phase him.

madge said...

Ha ha. Landscaping.

Is it bad that I had the box-set of Schoolhouse Rock, before I had a child?

halloweenlover said...

Ok, Jen's comment is cracking me up. GermX? AND YOU ATE HIS BALL PEAS!!!!

Mignon said...

Holy shit. After someone says "you age his ball peas" in the comment thread, there is officially nothing left to say.

sweatpantsmom said...

Yes, this means that the next person who Googles 'Ate Ball Peas' will be coming straight to your blog.

And I LOVES the SchoolHouse Rock.

Cindy said...

Schoolhouse Rock is in the CD changer in my car....Little O loves it, and has it for his Leapster.

landscaping trimmers, ahh the code of parenthood...ball icing peas, the joy of keeping the scale balanced in your favor...Hey Dawn, I will be out again this weekend, if I see Patrick and Scott I will let you know....

TB said...

Terrance cracks me right up.

And my favorite SHR of all time is the Exclamation song. Love it!!

Elizabeth said...

Oh God, halloweenlover's comment and Mignon's reply cracked me the hell up!

But back to Em, I think it's great that teachers are having kids read out loud to someone. Both my kids have to do it, and I have to sign a sheet saying they read to me. That way I know that they're actually reading the words in the books and not just guessing.

 
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