My Private Idaho

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

In times of great stress, I find that my brain does a very curious thing.

It should not surprise any of you that I have a rather odd, and twisted sense of humor. I find myself thinking things that , while wildly funny to me, leave others with a bit of a concerned expression on their faces.

For example:

Emily- age 8 months. Fighting me as I wrestled her into her snowsuit. It is very cold out. It is New England. The child MUST wear a snowsuit. She thrashes, I counter move, she ends up in said snowsuit.

Other adult in room says – “Aw look at her, lying there so helpless in her big puffy snowsuit – kind of makes her look like a baby seal”
Me: “(sigh) Yeah, kind of makes you want to club her.”

Are you laughing? I thought it was very, very funny. Other adult? Not so much.

And it isn’t just with my child – it is with everything. But here is where it gets even worse. I throw in obscure literary and cultural references, which crack me up …even… more. So there I am cackling and gasping for air over my own hilarious references. I called my daughter “Evil Roman Empress Crankius Maximus” for the first year of her life. I would place a headband – backwards on her head so it looked like a laurel and speak to her father – as if she WAS the evil Roman Empress. High-Larious!

So when I am under work stress, I find that this constant dialogue of offbeat cultural references keeps me internally amused. That, and this game. I play “What is the most inappropriate thing I could/say or do right now.” This game can range from the highest of high brow references, to the lowest of low bodily humor.

Sitting in a meeting for too long, what is the most inappropriate thing you could do? Let out a ripper of a fart? Pick your nose and flick it at the person across the table? Lean forward and smile and say, “You are so woefully full of shit, I am surprised you don’t smell. Oh wait, you do.”

Take it to the next level. What could you do then? Stand on the table and do your rendition of “Ain’t nothing gonna breaka my stride”, while pointing at your co-worker. How about this one: “ I was unaware that I just entered the 4th circle of purgatory – the one with incompetent ass-hats.” (Note: Dante references always throw a crowd.) Oh, and Monty Python. And 19th century authors – particularly those of the American Romantic period. And knowing who those authors are. You throw in the love of fantasy and my complete knowledge of the works of Tolkien and it is amazing I attracted a mate. See. It’s bad in here, real bad.


So, give it a try. And Share. I need some humor today.

31 Baleful Regards:

Mommygoth said...

When Miss K is not behaving her sweetest, I refer to her as "it". As in, "It wouldn't take a nap today". "It threw macaroni at me". My mother finds this profoundly disturbing.

At the office the other day, a particularly rude colleague was mocking an overweight colleague for eating a girl scout cookie, and I said to him "hey assface, read the nutritional info". And then realized I had called my colleague an assface.

Whenever my daughter throws a fit, I take pictures. Because it's funny. Also, I am known to have whole conversations while doing a shtick from an Eddie Izzard standup routine, hilarious to none but me. I'm funny in my head.

The baby seal thing? I would have laughed my assface off.

Jaelithe said...

Oh, Dawn, this game would be too dangerous for me in certain circumstances, because if I were peeved enough, I might actually say some of the things I thought!

(It's been known to happen before).

BTW if you had said that seal comment to me before I was a mom, I might have thought you were a bit off. If you'd said it to me two days after the birth of my child or any day thereafter, I would have been ROLFMAO.

Woman with kids said...

I find quotes from the Princess Bride, as collegues are leaving the office (Have fun storming the castle!) throw them off a bit... Also, when Boys are misbehaving, my mantra is "when I grow up, I'm not having children."

And personally, I thought the clubbing the seal comment funny...

Elizabeth said...

God yes, if it was one of those snowsuits with the fake fur around the hood? Absolutely. Kaitlyn cries like we're pulling her nails out when you put her in the suit.

When Ryan says "GEEZ, you don't have to yell at me", we say "No one expects the Spanish Inquisition". While playing video games we yell "Run away! Run away". But our absolute favorite is when the kids ask what's for dinner and I screech "Spam, Spam, eggs,spam, baked beans and spam." Ryan, bless his heart, screeches back "But I don't LIKE Spam!" I love my family.

Feral Mom said...

For school settings of all kinds, I get a kick out of imagining myself standing on top of the desk, writhing around like David Lee Roth, singing about how bad I got it, Hot for Teacher. Whoa-oh! Oh! yes! I'm! Hot!

Sugarmama said...

I laughed out loud at the baby seal comment, too.

As for me, when my first daughter was born, my MIL said something about setting up a college fund for her. My reply was, "Oh, just let her go into deep debt like the rest of us! Ha!" and busted out laughing. The MIL was not amused.

Kristen said...

I'm going to post about this tomorrow. My belief - we're all about 3 fries away from a happy meal... and our mommy filters are all about to come off.

LOL.

Mignon said...

I used to work for a hi-tech company and the CEO would come up to our office once a quarter to give a boring speech. Whenever I passed him in the hallway I was always tempted to do the Minister of Silly Walks walk.

And the baby seal thing WAS funny!

MrsFortune said...

Oh man, I have to admit that I do this to be mean, not to be funny. And I can't really share, lest I risk being summarily dismissed from my job for, well, being a bitch. But I savor every moment of it, and the best part is, nobody really KNOWS I'm doing it because the references go over their heads - exactly as you said, the Victorians really throw 'em for a loop. Bloom's day is a hard one around here, too. At least for me.

mama_tulip said...

I laughed out loud at the baby seal comment.

Once, back when I was a Drive Thru Queen, I was dealing with an exceptionally rude and irate woman who was sitting in her car blowing cigarette smoke in my face, yelling at me about something completely beyond my control. I finally had enough and slammed the window in her face, and when I opened it again to shove the grease in her face she made some comment about how I shouldn't be working with the public because it was obvious I was a total bitch and hated my job.

"Oh, I love my job," I chirped. "It's customers like you that I can't stand."

It felt good.

The Gradual Gardener said...

For the brief time I lived in cubeville, I bought a bag of realistic-looking tiny black spiders and would toss them at random over the cubicle walls. It was particularly fun when the coworker next to me was on the phone.

jen said...

I can't believe I'm about to admit to quoting my mother BUT I have been known to saying, "'Sympathy' is in the dictionary." Usually makes my point.

Momism #2, so growing up I was more my Mom's righthand gal, (divorced parents) so I knew probably more than what most kids knew, including family finances. So I asked my mom what she made,she told me, and I asked if that was net or gross. She responded with a very southern sounding, "Honey, my net IS gross.' I still play that one, too.

In other offbeat cultural uneasy jokes, have you watched Bill Maher recently? He does this "New Rules" bit and his commentary was on how the Brokeback Mtn camp was pissed they didn't take best picture, citing homophobia in Heywood, blahblahblah.
Bill's rsponse was, "if *anything* Brokeback Mtn showed us, it was that is was okay to come in #2."

what, I am the only one that finds this funny? My fault.

Diana said...

Seal comment- Dying!
Jen- LMAO!!!
I have a few things I say to my son- like when he calls me I tell him to call another one of his mommies. (He calls my mom and his sitter Ma from time to time) He's still mighty young so I don't get to use good ones, they would be wasted...

Bobita said...

Hey-sooos (Spanish pronunciation of "taking the name in vain") you are funny!

Seriously, I often laugh (OUT LOUD) in meetings because everyone is sooooo somber. I mean, COME ON!!! You KNOW that the woman sitting next to you is thinking something reprehensible like..."I can't believe I drank sooo much tequila and did that with MARY!!" Or the man next to you is wondering..."If I just play dumb, maybe my wife will never know that I dialed that '900' number on purpose!"

I find it toooo much to take! Especially when my son has asked me (just 2 hours earlier) to examine his bowel movement...and then REQUIRES me to proclaim that I recognize its enormity! I know I'm not the only one staring at sh** just before the "professional, academic meeting!"

EXCELLENT POST!!! (My favorite part was describing the desire to flick a boog...LOVED IT!)

Beth said...

Nobody gets my humor, either. I quote things nobody has seen or I make an elaborate joke involving knowledge of Middle English. I told my in-laws that raising Davey was a task not even worthy of Sisyphus. They looked at me like I had three heads. Oh well -- I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. Now, go away before I taunt you a second time!

jennster said...

LMFAO! i can't get past the makes you want to club her.. i am cracking up. listen, child abuse is perfectly funny to those of us with a sense of humor!

Mega Mom said...

I'm not quick enough with the creative comments so from now on I'm going to "borrow" yours and use them on unsuspecting Midwesterners. I always have to say "Just Kidding" when I use my sarcasm so what's one more silly thing coming out of my mouth?

sweatpantsmom said...

The baby seal comment, I thought it was funny.

Of course, I would crack up at a meeting-interruptus fart, too, so you see who you're dealing with.

Think of how sophisticated Emily will be. By middle school, when most kids are still making noises with their underarms, she'll be quoting Proust.

Incontinentia Buttux said...

The insides of our skulls seem to have some similarities, Dawn. But then, I would have guessed as much.

It may be cluttered and a little dusty in there, but it sure is funny.

TB said...

Dude I totally do this all the time. I am usually the only woman in meetings and always the youngest. So I'm surrounded by old fat white guys. I play a game where I look around and try to figure out who is wearing a rug. Also I try to imagine what their sex faces look like.

Esereth said...

And if you spend your whole life doing inappropriate and awkward things on accident, fantasizing about them....meh.

Once, at McGrath's Fish House, I unexpectedly burped, which shocked a laugh out of me, causing me to snort like a pig, which brought a harder laugh, under the pressure of which I farted loudly. This was all with in five seconds.

My husband still calls it "The Great Trifecta."

Esereth be not proud.

Jess Riley said...

I like your style, lady.

Let's see...funny work stories. I recently submitted a grant proposal for an at-risk youth alternative education program, and the name was All-Stars Soar. Yes, and the acronym was ASS. I didn't even realize it until it was too late.

Who's going to fund the ASS program? Who, damnit?!?!

I.B. said...

I almost forgot--

Dawn, I'd also like to introduce you to my husband, Bigus Dickus.

Contrary said...

Speaking of Eddie Izzard (which, someone was, I'm sure of it!), when presented with a choice of any kind (paper or plastic, sweet or unsweetened tea) any one in my family is liable to intone, 'Tea and cake or death?'

We also throw around 'Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die", quite a bit, when someone irritates us.

broominyaya said...

OMG tooo funny!!

I seem to have a problem with running cartoons in my head in serious situations. Just made up out of no-where animated nonsense cracking myself up. Then out comes inappropriate giggles.

The other one I'm not proud of is when someone injures themselves but it was funny seeing it. Like, tripping off the curb and tumbling down. I'm like, "Oh my god, are (laughing hysterically) you (nostrils flaring and silent hysterics) okay?"

It's soo embarrassing.

Cindy said...

Working in child care we must carefully watch our humor as illustrated here:

I had a group of two year olds, each holidng a "warm fuzzy" (ie pom pom with eyes). I asked teh kids to hug thier warm fuzzies, to kiss thier warm fuzzies, to pet them etc. etc. As each child did exactly as asked i commented to my assistant, "Wow they are just like trained dogs." A parent was walking by the outsid eof my room and reported me to the director. No sense of humor.
Broominyaya: I watched someone fall out of a canoe in about three feet of water and come up with mud and dirt in her hair choking on water, and couldn't stop laughing to ask her if she was okay!

Tink said...

I would have laughed! Those other people obviously have a stunted humor gene. Don't ask me what's going on with the "gene" thing lately either. I just keep throwing it out... "El Stupido gene. Clueless gene. Thinking-about-dieting-makes-you-hungry gene."

Don't ever lose your sense of humor. It's the only thing that makes life bearable.

madge said...

I just came back from my most frustrating hour of the week (Bird's gym class), wherein every child is expected to sit calmly in a circle and parrot the techers motions. While ALL AROUND THEM loom jungle gyms, trampolines and other death-defying playthings of one kind or another. Needless to say, my child NEVER sits for circle time.

I remarked to one puss-faced mother today on how nicely her daughter sits for circle time. She humphed, cast a disparaging glance at my darling psycho running laps around the gym and said, "We tell her, if you don't do circle time we're going home."

I ALMOST said, "Well, if I had a robotic, chimp child like yours I'd probably take her home too. At least mine has a little spunk." But I didn't.

A little off topic, but oh, well. I quote PB all the time: "There's nothing like a nice MLT, when the mutton is nice and lean..."

Lisa said...

Iknow what you mean. I call my child, "Stinkus Maximus." And wonder the same things. heehee

Oh, that girl. said...

I think we are lesbian sole mates. Or perhaps twins separted at birth. I am the person who gets the uncontrollable gigles at funerals and can't help but do completely un-pc jokes, hand gestures and I NEVER know my audience. I have put my foot in my mouth so many times, I marinate them every night, so at least the next day they dont taste so bad.

Catizhere said...

Oh goodness! Now I have to go to the ladies room & fix my makeup!
Sitting in my little cube with my BOSS right next to me all the while I'm making snorting-holding-back-the-laughter-so-it-comes-out-of-your-nose noises, while thinking about clubbing Emily....and the comments. Thi history of the World references.... Princess Bride lines... you crack me up!

 
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