They can't all be highbrow essays around here, folks...

Monday, March 13, 2006


Runaway Goat Bride Speaks

Plato de Chapin, Guatemala – The goat, recently catapulted to fame after her marriage to an amorous farmer, has taken to hoof and fled the country.

“The first few days it was all “I love you Honey” and “You’ve got the sweetest goat eyes””, said the goat who identified herself as “Aiya”. “But a few days later it was “All you ever do is eat garbage- you’re going to get fat. Then he threw a tin can towards me and suggested I get some “fiber.”

But the last straw, it seems, came a few weeks after their shotgun wedding. “I was walking out of the kitchen and he says, “Jesus, something smells like wet goat” and wrinkles up his nose, making that fanning motion.” Aiya grow moist eyed as she pauses. “I mean, he said he’d love me forever, and there he is mocking my ethnic heritage. If we have kids, they’ll be half goat too! I knew I had to leave!”

Aiya booked a flight to Guatemala under an assumed name. “I was hoping that he might come looking, but he never did,” says the grief stricken goat. Upon arriving in the country, Aiya quickly found work in one of the many goat brothels, which line the streets of Plato de Chapin. “I figure, I’d already given it away for free back home, I might as well get paid for entertaining randy farmers here. They all look the same, really.”

Upon inquiring if she had any regrets, Aiya stopped chewing her cud and paused thoughtfully. “No, not really. But here is a tip for future goat brides – Insist he use lube, ladies.”


**Props to Marshatm for the inspiration....

17 Baleful Regards:

Nancy said...

LMAO. Aiya, you have brought pride to legions of goat brides everywhere.

cluelesscarolinagirl said...

Oh God, you're hilarious!!

Elizabeth said...

Oh my God, Dawn! That is hilarious. I like the way your brain works. "All you do is eat garbage"-HA!

Woman with kids said...

Ouch.

Bobita said...

A much needed laugh! Very funny!

Thanks for stopping by my blog...in answer to your question about "brown eye"...

My husband is not only familiar with this "art form" but he has passed it on to my 5-year-old son. So, at every opportunity...my son flashes me the "brown eye." (Not saying I'm proud of this...just saying that it happens!!)

Very funny post!

kfk said...

Good one! Some people. A few months ago, the good ole state of Washington passed a law against this very thing. They stumbled upon a "farm" of sorts where this was a popular activity. I feel better now that there is an ACTUAL law, cuz you know, before, I was worried. Some people are just gross! And how ironic you should be writing about this on the day my sister just sent me one of the most horribly foul e-mails ever. It was a video consisting of a woman and an octopus and a very private part. That is all I will say.

Lisa said...

This is one of your best posts. Hysterical. I will have to forward. DId you see the two goats together in the shade? Looks like there might be a goat on goat sex show!

Contrary said...

I hate that she feels she has to go into prostitution in order to survive. Isn't there an unwed goats home she could go to?

I just hate to think of her, selling her milk on the streets, eating veggies at the supermarket and then running for her life from the shopkeepers just to get a good meal. It's just so damned sad.

(Good one, Dawn!)

TB said...

Snort. And after Contrary's comment, I can't even think of anything pithy to add. Awesome.

marshatm said...

Dawn, between my post and this one I think we can kiss our goat-dating days goodbye.

Jess Riley said...

I see a future in mock news conversations! ;)

You know, my parents raise pygmy goats. I can't tell you how many "kids" jokes I've had to endure. Their Christmas card one year was a picture of them holding three baby goats, with the tagline, "Merry Christmas from Peter, Mary, and the Three Kids!"

Oy.

Mommygoth said...

Ack! You know, people who contribute to the corruption of poor young kids (bwah aha haha hahahah!) like that ought to be arrested. You are just. not. right. Can we be friends? :->

jen said...

If I had a nickel everytime I heard this story, Boy meets goat, boy and goat fall in love, marry...and then it all turns to shit.

"Why don't you call when you're going to be late?"

"Why don't you wear sexy lingerie like you used to when were dating? Would it kill you to at least wear matchign underwear and shave your legs?"

"All I'm asking is is for you to help out around here once in awhile...'

It's a tale as old as time.

mama_tulip said...

*snort*

LMAO.

Beth said...

when will people pay attention to the tragedy of young goat brides?! this is an epidemic, people! you know what they say about "getting the chevre for free"...

E. said...

She is a lovely goat, to be sure.

So, Dawn: I have tagged you for the four things meme on my 'lil blog, Oral Hygiene Queen. I'm not sure what the protocol is on letting people know b/c I've never done the meme thing before, but I had no success figuring out how to email you. Thanks!

IzzyMom said...

Dawn! You're too funny.

AND you're a winner of my impromptu little "guess the supermodel" contest!

Your prize is a coffee mug or canvas tote from the Izzywig Gear for Charity shop. Go to: http://www.cafepress.com/izzywig and see which one you like. You can pick any of the designs for either item.

Then email me at izzy76 at nerdshack dot com and tell me what you selected.

Congratulations!

 
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