You...Can't...Look,...Away....

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Inspired by Fancypants’ (possessive used correctly) showing of her bathroom, I decided to give a virtual tour of the Inner Sanctum. Well, that isn’t true. Right now, I got Nothing, so you can all pretend that you have been invited to my house, and had far too much sangria or a really bad lemon drop martini*, or a worse caramel apple martini* and now you need to use the bathroom. Let me save you the trouble of opening the medicine cabinet, peeking behind the shower or under the sink. We’re all about transparency in my home.

First, the view from the Throne. My never-ending battle with the ends of the heating element are a lost cause. I put them on, they fall off. And rust. No one has died from lockjaw yet, but we remain hopeful.


Next, an example of my husbands fine carpentry skills. Terrance has some very admirable qualities. The man can write a federal grant like nobody’s business, and his knowledge of the cigar industry is a miracle to behold. However, I am indeed fortunate to have chosen him AFTER the industrial revolution, as we would clearly be the family in the home made of what ever was lying around. He has no mechanical or crafty skills. Note the caulking technique, with the carefully matched palette:

What’s behind that curtain, you ask – AH HA! Someone in this house is a product whore! Someone in this house likes to use a different shampoo every day. Someone in this house likes lots of shower gels. Yep. It’s me. Note how Terrance has attempted to Paint over the mold that grows on this sill. It shall not be overcome.

Ah yes, the back of the toilet. My favorite? The Fingertip Rope Caulk. More bath products. Band-Aids for imaginary boo-boo’s. The infamous “pick up your hair from the sink” lint remover, all in a basket that was part of the table pieces from my wedding…ten years ago. And my Husbands Neti Pot. Look it up. I can’t bear to talk about it.

My corner of the sink. I likey the products – Did I mention?. The formerly virgin hair clipper before I rudely defiled its purity by using it on my delicate bits.


Dear God! What is that? It is Under the sink. Jesus Christ! Are those additional shampoos shower gels and hair products? Yeah, Yeah – Suck it – I know. I am also a trifle obsessed with running out of feminine products during that time o’ the month, so I tend to Overbuy – hence the 2 packages of Always napkins. I will also be ready if we have any major head wounds, as you can use a sanitary napkin as a handy compress. See also Terrance’s box of Black male hair products…..Featuring Knotty Boy Dread Wax. If any of you whitey’s out there want to dread your hair – this stuff will do the trick. It has inter-racial endorsement in our home.



The piece de resistance: The medicine cabinet. Yes, there are two bottles of Advil in the cabinet. And one in my purse. What if we got snowed in and I needed Advil? Or was stuffy? Terrance is pretty sure that we will be busted as a meth lab soon, due the amount of Sudafed and Sudafed based products I buy and consume. All praise the AstroGlide! Thank you Gay men everywhere for bringing this product to the market! Hurrah for Burt’s Bees! And Pro-Activ… and the CO Bigelow mouthwash that could hill the avian flu if taken straight.

Finally, as you sit upon the throne, you glance to your right. Is that a Jack-O Lantern sticker you see? Yes. I could blame Emily, but no. I put that there before she was born. I like to see who notices. And finally, a piece of advice from Terrance…Don’t try to burn a candle in a heat conducting container on your bathroom counter.

So, do you still want to come over after I have revealed the inner sanctum? Do you dare?

*Shoutout to De-De for drinking my henious concoctions

20 Baleful Regards:

IzzyMom said...

I just wanted to say thanks for sharing! I love when people do this. I have some of my own to share and one of these days I'll get them up.

LMAO @ "naughty bits" That's so Bridget Jones...lol

halloweenlover said...

Astroglide- bwah ha ha ha ha. Should I try it? I've never used it. Hmm.

Love the bathroom. Tell Terrance that California Paints makes mold killing paint. It is specifically for bathrooms and kitchens. Or next time you come to boston, I can give you a bottle's worth for him to use. We have loads of it.

Diana said...

HE USUES THE NETI-POT??? I was watching the infomercial for that and I was horrified. I'm scared of the water never coming out the other side!!! What if I drown???

Diana said...

*uses*
Hello spelling!

The Gradual Gardener said...

You provide the Sangria, and I will come.

The Gradual Gardener said...

Hey Dawn, when you get a chance go visit Mignon (www.openingyourmind.blogspot.com). She's got a problem you could maybe help with.

TB said...

The idea of the Neti pot makes me feel all weird and I can't look at it. But then again, I also have a problem with regular spray bottles of Afrin and such after they have been up someone's nose.

And I find the Astro glide dries too quickly and turns into little boogery balls of goo. I do not like it.

I am however a fan of the hair wax. A must for natural curls.

Thanks for the tour, I really enjoyed everything except the Neti pot, which I believe should be stored out of sight, perhaps under the sink.

mama_tulip said...

I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in my entire life. I composed myself and did a Google search for Neti-Pot, which I'd never heard of until now, then lost it again. I was slobbering I was laughing so hard.

Thank you. I so needed this today.

Nancy said...

I love this. I might have to post pictures of the kids' bathroom -- it's got its own set of horrors (but no neti pot or astroglide...)

You guys give good product. And I'm sooo there with the wine anytime I happen to be in your neck of the woods. This bathroom did not scare me away, not at all.

jennster said...

lmfao- i feel like i just invaded your house withouth you knowing!

Sugarmama said...

Dude, you showed your Astroglide! I'm always checking to make sure that ours is well hidden within the open-sided bedside table. God forbid that my mother should happen to catch a glimpse of it during a visit. Or my older daughter should ask what it was for. And you just SHOWED yours! I'm all embarrassed now.

Contrary said...

All of a sudden, I feel better about all the crap I have crammed into my bathroom cabinets.

And I am disavowing all knowledge of Astroglide on the grounds that I am a weinie.

Meghan said...

Oh my God Dawn I haven't laughed that hard in DAYS. I can't even say which part stood out. The whole entry just made me laugh. HARD. Oh man.....

Jaelithe said...

Your have totally inspired me to do this. But I will probably change my mind once this lovely Vicodin I just took wears off . . .

(Just finally got my wisdom teeth out, about eight years after a dentist first recommended I do it. I blame my mother, and also my dental insurance).

Jess Riley said...

Hey, is that the Target "Method" shower spray in the window? I have that stuff! :)

Jess said...

Ha! I love this since I'm always tempted to look in people's medicine cabinets.

This weekend I'm going to do an expose on my hideous bathroom. I won't be able to top some of your, er, products, but I do have what amounts to a meth lab under my sink. And all the syringes you could ask for. Plus hormones to make you crazy!

Lisa said...

Great post. You crack me up, Dawn!

Was this before or after you got a hold of that Easter crack pipe? heehee

marshatm said...

Dawn, my motto is: You can never have enough hair product.

That said, girl, you have enough hair product.

mothergoosemouse said...

I love it. I will absolutely come over. And to show solidarity, I will reveal my own bathroom sometime this week.

Gurukarm Kaur said...

Ladies and gents, let me introduce you to FlyLady (http://flylady.net) - she'd give you extra hugs if you started ditching (or at least combining!!) some of those many many many (did I say MANY??!) interesting bottles of "product"...

Thanks for the laughs!

 
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