Allergies or Meth User?

Monday, June 05, 2006

In New Hampshire, it is Allergy season. Full on, pollen filled, allergy season.

I, while never diagnosed with actual allergies, tend to be congested all the time anyway. Yes, it is a deviated septum, and no, they aren’t cutting my face open to repair it. Screw that. I’ll suffer.

Fun Dawn Fact: In addition to the deviated septum, I have this funny thing in my nose that the MRI and CAT scans picked up. Apparently, I have a little thing inside my nose that acts as a barometer! Just ask me when a storm is coming. Too bad that isn’t a “mutant” characteristic. Human Barometer. Although, I suppose that it would have really limited uses in the whole “X-men” scheme of things. Unless I was to act as Halle Berry’s announcer in every scene – “HERE COMES STORM!”

So, on Saturday morning, I realize I have blown through my stash of Sudafed. Damn, Damn, Damn. And Fuck. Now I will be stuffy until I can get to the store.

After ballet, we drive to Wal-Mart – which is one of the levels of hell. I’m going to guess the 79th level, maybe more.

I stroll up to the Pharmacy to hand over my “Please to give me the Sudafed so that I can breathe” cards. On a whim, I pick up 2 cards. Oh, baby. I am asking for a grand total of 96 Sudafed tablets. I’m feeling lucky. This way I can keep a box at work and a box at home.

I hand the card and my license to the Pharmacy attendant. I ready myself for the eye and biometric scan. I hand over the vial of blood and urine sample.

No, seriously, I smile at the attendant. I say, “Is it OK if I get two boxes? I’m not sure of all the rules in this “Brave New World” of Sudafed.” I maintain my smile and eye contact.

He is not amused. Now he is suspicious. I believe it is in the “Meth Mules” handbook to mention Aldous Huxley. I have given myself away. He stares at my license. I refrain from saying “I know – I can’t be 36 right!? Look at the quality of this skin! `” Clearly my sense of humor is not appreciated by the Pharmacy dude. I maintain my smile, to indicate that I am NOT a meth user, simply by the unblemished quality of my grille. I do floss every day after all.

He hands over the 2 boxes. He says “I guess it is all right – sign there for them”. I sign. I place my license back into my wallet.

What I want to say now to Emily is “Lets go stock up on household chemicals so we can cook these 96 pills up” as I run from the Pharmacy, cackling. But I don’t. I smile as I think it, though.

Mmmmmm, this is the drink I made for myself last night. Mango, rum, cranberry and sliced peaches...

15 Baleful Regards:

Cristina said...

Well, um, is getting taken for a potential meth user at the pharmacy kinda like getting asked for your ID at the bar? Kinda like a compliment? No? Well, OK. Just trying to find the positive.

P.S. That human barometer thing is cool. And I concur with your decision to forgoe the nose surgery. I saw one done the other day on Dr. 90210. All I can say is OUCH.

Fraulein N said...

Mango, rum, cranberry, peaches...

and METH, right? C'mon admit it: there's some meth in there. For that extra kick.

Jaelithe said...

Oh, that drink looks grand, and much better than meth.

Now I am sad that I do not have any cranberry juice, or fresh mango, in my house, and the only rum I have at the moment is cheap Bacardi Vanilla.

Andrea said...

And to think my husband was in line behind someone at a convenience store buying 10 boxes of Sudafed. He did call to report that store because where we live there's a HUGE meth problem. Missouri is probably the #1 or #2 producer of meth in the country. You totally should have cackled maniacally about cooking the pills up. Out loud. It would've been worth it just to see Sour Face Dude's expression.

I likey me some drinky. Maybe I'll stop at the store on my way home for the mixins of a concoction myself. Yummy.

Anonymous said...

I was looking through the links people used to find my Artsy Asylum blog and in doing so I came upon you. . . so being terminally nosy I had to come poke around.

Seriously you shouldn't tell stories about pharmacies and how much of a meth-lab mamma you must look like before I've had a chance to add the classic 'depends' to my ensemble. This is a hoot.

Next on my agenda was to say we needed to give you some link love so we can get you up off your belly in the ecosystem. It's not ladylike for sure. Then I realized we're probably in the same state of critter development.

Oh the tragedy of being trapped in a state of thumblessness. Help! Quick! Even mammas need links!

Her Bad Mother said...

Wal Mart is the 4th circle of hell, reserved for 'hoarders and spendthrifts.' FYI.

I'm not sure what circle the meth freaks end up in.

Anonymous said...

Can you post the drink recipe and also the meth recipe? There is no limit on how much Sudafed one can buy in Ohio and moving is HARD work.

Lisa said...

Yes Wal-Mart IS one of the levels of hell. hee hee.

Also, I know how that is. I get allergies too and it pisses me off. Bad enough I'm all headachey and feeling crappy. Then you have to jump through the hoops to get the stuff you need.

E. said...

Flossing every day helps keep you looking like a legitimate member of good society, definitely. I've heard meth is hell on your teeth. (Though it might also give you a compulsion to brush and floss so vigorously and often that your gums start coming apart in bloody chunks.)

Anonymous said...

I had the surgery about 7 years ago - and the right side is now worse, it's constantly blocked. And the noises I made when I'm blowing my nose are quite attractive. I'm sure I need another good whack as air isnt getting thru that side so good.

In summation, I'll be taking one of them there mango drinky poos if you're handing them out for sinus infections, allergies and the like.

CH said...

I had a similar encounter with a Target Pharmacist who also lacked a sense of humor chip. However, I was buying a VERY small vial of baby Tylenol..I was holding an obviously miserable sick child and was still given the third degree. Name, rank, serial number, shoe size, and what kind of tampons I use..seriously they wanted waay to much info for such a tiny bottle. SOoO I had to ask, 'Exactly how much Meth can one make from a small bottle of Children's Tylenol?'.....he was not amused.

Anonymous said...

Doesn't it seem strange that we used to be able to walk into a pharmacy and buy sudafed -- as much as we wanted -- and blammo! one day that all changed?

It's enough to make me need a drink. I'll have what you're having, thanks.

Mignon said...

Not only is the quality of that drink impressive, but the size.... THE SIZE!!! OOOOO - it's so BIG!

(That whole, here comes Storm! thing - that was funny as shit, girl! Funny, FUNNY, funny... still chuckling...)

Anonymous said...

My CVS pharmacist is so infuriated by all the new regulation he takes every opportunity to "push" this drug. Whenever I bring my ticket to the counter he always asks, "Are you sure you don't want the BIG box?"

I guess my (usually, but not now) blemish-free skin and yellow-ish, but non-decayed teeth are assurance enough that I'm not cooking that shit up.

Debbie said...

The story prior to the beverage made my stomach lurch, but then, getting an eyeful of that beautious cocktail set the ole digesive system back on the right track. Ooh, but that looks nice.

I could use about eight of 'em right now.

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