Not so moving experience

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Because I am fated to be the Bitch of Karma, my period arrived yesterday. Not that this, in and of itself, is surprising. No, It is simply because during one of the most stress filled two days of my life, I was pre-menstrual. It SOOOOOO-fucking-figures.

I am home from Montreal. The trip to register Emily for school and show us the new homestead is over.

Here are some handy tips I'd like to pass on to anyone moving.

1. Don't. Hahaha. Moving sucks in a way that I could only previously envisioned during the highest suckitude times of my life. And I have experienced some very high suckitude times. But this reigns supreme.

2. Don't allow your spouse to go and choose the home. Alone. By himself. Yes, this may seem a good idea at the time, cause you don't want to be bothered with the "details" of moving. You really don't want to move anyway, so if you pretend it isn't happening, it won't. This will not play out well to you in the long run.

3. Control your facial expressions better when you see something that is concerning. Like the fact that every cupboard and drawer in the kitchen has not been cleaned. Ever. Or the fact that there doesn't seem to be hot water. Or any electrical outlets in the bathroom. Or the stove doesn't seem to have been cleaned. Or there is No toilet paper dispenser, and the walls are a unique pink and green tile. You should smile cheerfully and happily - AT ALL TIMES. Do not contemplate locking yourself in the outlet free bathroom and crying.

4. When the school charges you 220 dollars for 10 shirts and 2 cardigans and 1 hoodie, you should also smile cheerfully. Because you LOVE your daughter in white shirts and blue pants. LOVE IT! You are all about suppressing individuality into the same kind of ugly set of shirts. WOO-FUCKING-HOO!

5. When, after being lost for a real long time, your spouse finds a restaurant and pulls in, express nothing but Joy. When you order ice tea and are told that it is "Sweet tea" and that is all you can get in Montreal, even though YOU can't drink sweet tea, so you go for water. Then your peruse the menu ( ALL IN FRENCH - which you don't read) and figure out maybe what you would like to eat ( even though you want to cry - cause you just want some tea) and then are told "No, madam, you can not Have medium rare hamburger - all must be medium well in Montreal".

Smile, dammit, smile. KEEP SMILING. You have now entered into some no plain tea,no rare meat eating world where you can't read most of the menu AND you are a day away from your period but don't know it - DO NOT CRY. For the love of all that is holy, do not burst into tears and try to avoid eye contact with the hostile black man staring at you from across the table. Trying to avert your head as you attempt to wipe up the streaming tears with the napkin will also not be acceptable. You are supposed to look HAPPY!!!

6. When getting home at 9 p.m., remember to offer to start cleaning. Do not walk in and try to access the net with your laptop. For it will go badly as you begin to laugh at email and then look up at the increasingly hostile black man who says "Did you even THINK about offering to clean?" as you express amazement and lack of knowledge that you were supposed to be cleaning at 9 p.m.

7. After driving home in the "no air conditioned car, cause someone refused to pay the 150 bucks to have the AC repaired and that someone is not the female of the house" for five hours with non-medicated ADD child and the DVD player with a dead battery, develop a migraine. Yes, a migraine that is most likely a result of the toxic fumes from the poly-urethaned floors. And your period. Have the other person not believe that you have a migraine.

8. Fall asleep after ingesting an Obscene amount of Advil. Wake the next morning with the same migraine. Have to get up and take the non-medicated ADD child to dance rehearsal at 10 a.m. Return at 2 p.m. Have partner who has had THE WHOLE MORNING TO THEMSELVES, act really pissy and irritated at you. Since you weren't here packing. Have that person not speak to you until 6 p.m., but instead walk around glaring and stomping meaningfully. Consider developing real alcohol problem.

9. Clean out your car (commanded by Captain Angrypants) as you begin to plan for your divorce in 3 to 4 years. Realize that you will most likely end up paying support TO your future ex-spouse. Inwardly laugh at that. Realize also that the new neighbor was seriously flirting with you down at the beach this afternoon, even though you didn't catch on for most of it. Yes, it could have been the tankini top. But maybe you are cute still.

10. Make the maple martini with dark rum. Think about what you will tell your therapist on Tuesday Morning and your acupunturist/Chinese herbalist on Tuesday afternoon. Laugh at the fact that you have a "Team" of therapists. Finish address change cards to mail to friends and family

***edited to add -I'm Ok really - it was just that all things seemed to collide in some awful big god damn bang of rotten ness. The place will be fine once it is cleaned and I have gotten settled. My hormones will settle down and i will return to my snarky self. Terrance could have brought me to the Taj Mahal and I would have been all "So much stone? WTF? and these gardens? Who is going to take care of These?"...

19 Baleful Regards:

mothergoosemouse said...

My buzz totally kicked in as I read your post. Coincidence? I think not.

And just as I typed the above, CJ's bottle leaked and I had to get up and wipe milk out of her bellybutton. Another coincidence? Nope, that was Karma at work.

Sounds like a shitty trip and a shitty homecoming. It will get better. It has to.

Nancy said...

That just sucks, Dawn. What MGM said -- it will get better.

We're gonna find us some rockin' maple martinis at BlogHer. Promise.

Izzy said...

Moving brings out the worst in all couples, especially the MALE half of all couples. Being on the rag doesn't help matters.

Here's to a better day tomorrow or at the very least, some really good True Wife Confessions fodder.

Fraulein N said...

Wow. Whoa. You ... have several of those martinis. Transition is never easy, and remember: your period can't last forever. Even karma's not that much of a bitch.

motherhooduncensored said...

Can I just say that I LOVE that you have a chinese herbalist...

And thanks for the advice. Who knew French Canadians had something in common with these here Missassippi Folk with that damn sweet tea?

giddybug said...

Two words that will make at least one thing on that list much better: Excedrin Migraine. (I must sing its praises today, for I am single-parenting a two-year-old and was out in public, alone with him, with a migraine. Today. Nothing quite like throwing up in an oasis in a generic suburban parking lot.)

Anonymous said...

Once upon a time, long, long ago... one could find tea at Bens. I'm afraid that four days of no sleep and insane rental home owners have caused my brain to shut down as to the address... can get you there from my grandparents, but for the life of me can't remember the street names! ARG!
Will harrass my father, born and raised in Montreal... he will have a few suggestions!
Nothing but sympathy on moving. It sucks. Big.

Kim said...

Go eat the toast in Montreal. It will make everything better. I also plotted out my divorce this week-end. I swear a commune with separate male and female living quarters is the only way to go.

Melissa said...

Oh there is period karma. I got my period at my senior prom (in a black velvet gown), my first weekend alone at a hotel with my husband, the first day of a week-long vacation to disneyland with my mom, my husband, my kids and me on a seven-hour drive, where all five of us stayed in the same shitty hotel room, and the first day of my 10th anniversary honeymoon trip to Maui. I believe in the power of the period. The karma of moving also exists, wherein either our car breaks down in a city where the mechanics have to read the manual aloud to each other because they have never fixed a timing belt before, I'm pregnant and my husband is pissy because he won't let me do anything (which somehow involves me), or we move a short distance away and think, "who needs the big moving van? Just rent the small one and we can just come back and throw shit in the car if it doesn't fit."

Don't worry, none of us are immune.

oshee said...

You are going to have to take alone the makings for A LOT of ice tea and then get really good at remembering to make it.

It sounds like a very stressful time for your family. Even tho you know you'll make it, know that you have my sympathies.

Her Bad Mother said...

What Nancy said. Maple martinis all around at Blogher, and we will gigle uncontrollably at the mindf*** that is moving. That is moving to QUEBEC. (Which is lovely, actually. Very nice cheeses. And smoked meat sandwiches and bagels in Montreal? Mmm. Don't know WTF is up with 'sweet tea,' but you could always make the occasional trip to Toronto for tea straight up. Or martinis.)

(Can't help you with the hamburger issue. That's a Canada thing.)

Feel better.

Her Bad Mother said...

We will GIGGLE at Blogher. Not GIGLE. I don't what that is. Some kind of growth, or new nanotechnology, or low-rent search engine...

Marcie said...

My husband choosing what house to buy? That thought sends chills down my spine!
Hope things are on an upswing.

Lisa said...

That whole letting the man choose the house? Oh wow. I'm scared to even THINK of what my hubby (who would at this point choose to be extremely cheap) would pick.

I had my period this weekend too. I wonder if a bunch of us are on the same cycle. That would be funny...

mrsmogul said...

I like Captain Angrypants. HEEHEE that's my husband sometimes.

Cite post! Nice to meet u, came by mother uncensored

madge said...

I think I only stopped being secretly pissed at T about the big move.

It colored EVERYTHING.

madge said...

Um, I only JUST stopped...

(damn itchy posting finger)

Mommygoth said...

Oh, holy crap, Dawn. If he had asked me about cleaning after all that I would have used the toilet brush. In his mouth.

TB said...

Dude, I'm so impressed that you've actually done address cards.

Here's to a rare burger and some unsweetened tea from an english menu in San Jose. (along with a shitload of liquor of course) because damn, moving DOES suck.
Hang in there.

 
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