Do Not Divert Your Eyes...

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

You pathetic mealworms. It is once again, I, Vlad. You have come looking for the simpering, acupuncture having, chi feeling woman? Bah. I spit in her general direction.

Last Vlad spied her, she was eating a pound of pecans and muttering something about "packing" and "customs". When Vlad thrust his manly visage in front of her, she barely looked up at him, but continued chomping on the 'cans and gesturing with her hands in the direction of her car trunk. Normally, Vlad would have put the woman to death in a most unkind way immediately, but Vlad actually feels a little sorry for the woman. Or maybe it was the pecans she offered me in passing. Although after Vlad accepted this noble tribute of pecans, the woman was heard to giggle and say something about "eating my nuts" as she wandered off. When Vlad discovers the root of this jest, some additional impaling may be in order.

(The woman was just heard laughing again and saying "You said root...")

Vlad continued to leap out at the woman during the evening, often paired with loud "AAAAHHHHHHH" war cries, to no avail. Vlad can only deduce that there is some sort of trip planned, as bags and boxes are leaving the palace. The woman does not look as relaxed as when she went on "vacation", so Vlad is troubled.

Truly, Vlad loves this woman, useless flesh puppet though she may be, and is concerned for her. That is, if Vlad had any human emotions. Which he does not.

Ah. Wait. I hear something. The woman is saying something about "school registration" for the Spawn. Now, in Vlad's humble impaler opinion, the woman would do best to sell the Spawn as a girl bride of the Dothraki, but who is Vlad to tell her what to do? Girl spawn do not need "schooling". Vlad knows, if he fathered girl children - which he does not, that he would have done this Years ago. Ah, the word "Montreal" was just used. Vlad senses that there is a journey in the making for the Woman, the put- upon Dark man and the Spawn. Vlad will humbly guard this castle and make it safe for their return. I feel the need for a bath of the blood of newly birthed lambs. It goes without saying that they shall be impaled.

Meanwhile, Vlad commands you to look HERE and weep, for no mercy shall be shown.

11 Baleful Regards:

Izzy said...

No Vlad! Not the lambs. Anything but the lambs!!!

Jess said...

Ahh! Dothraki!

Marry me, Vlad.

Woman with kids said...

Ah, Vlad, you softie.

mothergoosemouse said...

I do hope that Vlad will come along when you move to Canada. I have grown rather fond of him.

Lisa said...

Vlad. I need you to come to my house and whip my 4-year-old into shape. He'll listen to you!

E. said...

I have a feeling Vlad will be making the trip to Montreal.

Dawn, thanks for the confessions page. It's interesting to see the effect of the change in tone now that the general confessions are coming in. Yours are funny and sometimes wicked, but clearly the confessions of someone who is happily married. Most of the new, anonymous confessors seem like they may not be. Of course, that's not surprising - I think many people are not.

I hope #29 can start schooling her mate. #30 is just so funny. I literally did laugh out loud at that one.

sweatpantsmom said...

Somehow, I never pictured Vlad as the pecan-eating type. At least, not while he's doing any impaling.

Nancy said...

I think Vlad's evil side is softening a little. Hope his javelin's still hard as a rock, if you get my drift.

Rose said...

These were great!

Mommygoth said...

I too would be sad if Vlad were left behind....I enjoy his interludes on your blog greatly.

Cindy said...

What no Friday fun with toys? ahh they must all be packed...

 
◄Design by Pocket