Defending my baby

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Well, holy shit. This must be what it feels like when your child grows up to be a mega super star and you're sitting on the couch thinking, "I am WAAAYYYYY more fun. And witty...and intelligent, and better looking, too."

Yeah, I'm talking about True Wife Confessions. The baby blog that could. My little "ha-ha, wouldn't it be funny to open this up to the world?" blog.

And now? Friends, it gets thousands of hits a day. Which is fine. It is what it is - entertainment, for some. But for others? I think it is really cathartic. Cathartic in the way that talking about post partum depression has been cathartic for me. The realization that everyone has issues that we don't talk about. That marriage and relationships are HARD, much harder than most of us ever thought. That over time things build up. Hurts develop. Needs and wants change. The person who you married is no longer the same person, but neither are you.

What has upset me is the "holier than thou" shit that I have seen come up around the entries. Partly, I should stop tracking back in Sitemeter to see where people are coming from. Then, of course, I wouldn't have to read the comments. The "These women are so sad" kind of things. The "Don't they know that communication would solve all their problems instead of posting them on the web, Don't you feel so SAD for them?", "My husband is the best cause he changes diapers and gives me orgasm's every night."

Ahem. Fuck you. You are the future Uber-Mom's and to you, I say again. Fuck you. Keep your marriage and motherhood smackdowns to yourself. Did I mention the fuck you?

I have been with my husband for 15 years. I can assure you all that I - and every other bride on the face of the earth - did not look at their spouse that day and think "Some day I will want to stab you for sleeping through another night of endless screaming of the baby". That some day will come and you think, "Is this it? This is what is has become? Dishes, meals, laundry, getting kids to school, starting over again in the morning."

If every day of your married life is sunshine and joy, than I call you a liar. Or the possessor of VERY good drugs. Or Katie Holmes.

The women who are sending in their confessions don't need another woman's pity. We have enough of that shit from every other corner, and it is just another facet of the woman against woman relational aggression we have been socialized to perpetrate.

They don't need solutions. They are pretty clear about the issue.

They just need a Space. A space to say it , out loud. To set it out into the world and release some of the power from the thought. Kind of like my visits with my therapist. I can say outrageous things. I hate being a mother. I hate my mother. I hate my husband. I sometimes hate my child.

And then, I can get on with it. Once all the dark shit is out, the light can shine in and you can go forward.

That is what I wish for True Wife Confessions. A place to purge the dark so the light can shine in. That is why I want it treated like a sacred space. A therapists office. A place where you can say the things that are eating away at you, so that you can move forward.

And Uber Mom's and Non-Mom's. Stay the fuck out of the sacred space. Until you need it. Then come on in and pull up a chair. We've already forgiven you for not knowing how hard it all is.

37 Baleful Regards:

Lisa said...

Oh wow! Yeay YOU! Thank you for saying that. I haven't read many of the comments. But thank you for defending those of us who've written to you.

tndolphinsfan said...

When I first started reading your post, I thought you were bowing to pressure. I should've known better! Ladies - stand up - speak up and share what's on your mind. It's better that throwing spaghetti at your spouse or child - plus there's no clean up.

Nancy said...

I don't think anyone should have the privilege of entering and reading the Confessions if they are going to judge. She who judges will get that shit back from me, ten-thousand fold. I can't tolerate anyone who will say shit about other people but can't take it themselves.

mamatulip said...

If ya can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen.

lildb said...

I lift mine eyes to heaven, watching as angels descend, for mine eyes have seen the glory, and it has burst forth in full flower from the lips of the woman Dawn, and never a truer word hath been spaken. spaked. whatever. truth to power.

roo said...

Well, I've got to say, I've never once fought with my husband, or contemplated murdering him in the night. The very idea! We're a perfect team-- and isn't that what marriage is all about?

Sanctimonious, self-satisfied Stepfords...

cluelesscarolinagirl said...

I've thought of so many confessions I can't even decide which ones to send to you!! I suppose a number list of one thousand would be overdoing it, hmmm?

Jenny said...

Holy effing crap! I just looked at your stats. Are you going to sell some ad space? I would if that keeps up. Dooce-ify woman, get some cash for the spa. I wouldn't blame you. I promise.

Anonymous said...

Amen sister!

madge said...

I believe a quote from Say Anything would suffice here:

"Bitches, MAN! Bitches."

kim said...

I have been married to my husband for almost thirteen years and have been with him for nineteen. I love him fiercely and sometimes I HATE him just as much. Marriages that go the distance are those that are unafraid of conflict. They fight for it.

True Wife Confessions has ranged from the comical to the heart breaking. To mock or judge those in pain is evil and Karma's a bitch. You already know that I think you're a genius. You have a gift for reaching people.

Andrea said...

Dawn, you rock. I'm glad to know if I need to confess something (and I might already have, who knows???) I have a space. And that I have you at my back defending me against the Uppity Wives and Uber Moms.

Fraulein N said...

You are awesome, Dawn, and so is True Wife Confessions. Oh, and those judgemental heifers know good and damn well how hard it is; they're all just ass-deep in denial. That, or they're robots, because come on, NOTHING is all sweetness and light.

mothergoosemouse said...

I don't read the comments. And now I'm especially glad. I'm there for the confessions.

Can I be your comment police? I'll issue "fuck you's" to all the beeyotches who dare to judge the confessors.

And yes - I think ads are in order. Holy crap - I had no idea about the number of hits you were getting. That's fabulous.

Jaelithe said...

Yeah, totally-- slap some ads up on that shit. Call it Emily's overpriced Canadian school uniform fund.

This is one of the best blog ideas I have seen in a long, long time. And the haters? They'll be sending you their own confessions in a year or two, I'm sure. Heh.

Mother Bumper said...

Ahhhhh-freakin'-men. 'Nuff said because you've said it so well.

Pegomh said...

Amen. I especially like the part about women against women being perpetrated. We need to stop that shit NOW and you are helping to do that! Thanks, Dawn.

Jess said...

I hate it when I miss this stuff.

Now I must find these people and add them to The List.

Anonymous said...

Again, Amen. I love truewife, and everything you have said is so true. (I think this can become the next PostSecret.com.) I'm a fan of your site because of the fact that I can relate to many of these confessions. Although I may not be so violent in my reaction, the feeling is there, and I get to laugh out loud in sisterhood. So, preach on Dawn, preach on.

Diana said...

I never read any of the comments, but I also never figured people would be assholes there. But I guess they're everywhere those assholes.
I'll be mothergoosemouse's back-up with the "Fuck You"'s.

JayMonster said...

I find this utterly amazing. And it has happened more than once throughout the blogging world. This of course. The whole, "mommy bloggers" vs. uh what is it this week... "people who blog that just happen to have ovaries" and of course Morphing into Momma who decided that any person that gains weight after they get married are guilty of false advertising.

It is just plain stupid. But here is a decent filter for your brain to help block out some of the stupid noise. Whenever somebody starts off with, "We've never had problems like..." or "Don't you feel sorry for..." or "All you gotta do it..." just ignore them. Because they have nothing valid to say. How do I know? Because nobody who has ever actually had to deal with an issue (whatever it may be), will ever start off with that kind of "looking down the nose" remark. So screw 'em. In the words of somebody smarter than me, "Who would you want to help you if you wanted to stop drinking... a former alcoholic, or somebody who has never had a drink?"

Anonymous said...

DO YOU NEED HELP OR WHAT ? I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU HAVE A KID .I HOPE SHE DOESN'T TURN OUT LIKE YOU ! I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU DON'T JUST BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT. I MEAN REALLY,IF YOUR LIFE IS THAT BAD WHY KEEP GOING?

Dawn said...

Wow Anonymous. That was very brave. Do you feel better now?

Leslie said...

Not a mom, but a wife. Have blogrolled TC because I can't stop reading it, and because every "chapter" has had at least one entry that made me say "absolutely" or "I've thought that!". Great site.

jennster said...

you.rucking.rock.
honestly. and you know what? it's like all those people saying what they'll do when they have kids, etc etc etc.. and they don't have kids, so they don't know what they'll do- and it's all a bunch of horseshit.
stay strong and i love all the fuck yous!

Cindy said...

Oh hey anonymous if you don't like it don't read, and by all means don't bother posting a comment. Life is not always a bed of roses...sometimes it's whipped cream and plastic sheets, and sometimes it is anger and hate, thoughts of leaving, wanting to start over..... But hey that is LIFE.

Nut's mom said...

I love this site because it says a lot of what I sometimes feel. you rock, you rock, you ROCK!!! thank you!

Mommy off the Record said...

Congrats on the site! I haven't visited it too much yet, but I would be honored to be your 3,567 visitor today. I'm headed over there now....

Her Bad Mother said...

Tell it, girl!

I never read the comments at the Confessions; don't know why. Get sucked in by the confessions, I guess. I monitor the comments at the Basement to keep the tards out, but so far - with only one exception, directed at me, and duly deleted - they've stayed away.

Ignore them. They suck. 'Nuff said.

E. said...

Great post, Dawn. Yeay, jaymonster, Morphing into Mama bugs the shit out of me. But the couple of times I've checked out her blog (and shuddered) I haven't even considered commenting. My feeling is, if I don't dig it, I move on to something I do dig and don't waste my limited comment time tsk tsking. You do your thing, MIM, but I'll be here at Dawn's blog, and at True Wife Confessions.

lindsay said...

I am de-lurking to say I love your writing! and if you are ever near to Vancouver, I would make you a martini.

Melissa said...

AMEN sister!

And what is with these uber moms? If you are married with kids, and you don't feel like you want to strangle everyone in your house at some point, then, well, you have no soul.

And that thing on morphing into mama about the false advertising...that made me so mad I ranted about it for a week. Hooray for real wives everywhere.

oshee said...

I don't read the comments there. I find the confessions to be so freeing! We all feel things we cannot express. I love that you offer a place to vent.

Sugarmama said...

Amen, baby. It's just hard, and saying it out loud SOMEWHERE helps. Who cares what some anonymous has to say about it?

Robert said...

I may be crazy, but I'm a dude, and I like both of your sites. Reading the confessions let's me know what not to do in a relationship( and, to be honest, what I do to fuck up sometimes). And for the one time that I wince at what I read, the other 9 times I either agree wholeheartedly or see where you( in your blog) and the wives are coming from. And I appreciate the honesty even when I do wince, because it's real, and I respect that.

But then again, i'm kinda crazy too.

Mom101 said...

How the hell did I miss this post the first time around?

Welcome to blogebrity, lady. Good with the bad.

Remember: those with truly nothing to "confess" are not likely to take it so personally. Methinks some trolls do protest too much.

bombaygirl said...

Thank you for saying what you say. I love you for it. I am so glad that I am not the only one who feels this way. Being able to say all the truly hateful things you feel/say/do DOES help you get it out of your body to let the healing/good stuff in. Thanks again.

 
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