Clash of the Titans

Thursday, October 27, 2005

The scene: Last night,My bedroom

Me: ( On computer reading witty Internet friends…silence)
Em: (On bed rolling around watching Disney Channel) Can I have some ice?
Me: In a minute, honey – mommy’s looking at something.
Em: Can you get me some ice?
Me: I said I would get you some in a minute, please wait.

Five minutes pass

Em: Mom, you said you would get me some ice.
Me: I know – just let me finish this
Em: (Loud, audible sigh)
Me: Ask your father if you can’t wait.
Em: I can wait, I just want some ice.
Terrance: (From other room) Get her the ice yourself!
Me: Fine, I will get you some ice!

I go to the fridge and retrieve three ice cubes for my child to chew on. At the same time, my husband requests that I fetch him something from another room “since I’m up”. I scowl at him and march back into hand my child her accursed ice cubes, then march back out to give him the paper he requested.

2.7 minutes later

Em: I’m ready for bed – I’m done with the ice cubes.
Me: You have got to be shitting me. You’re done with the ice cubes? After all that?
Em: Yeah, just put them in the sink.
Me: You know, it’s lucky you are so cute, or we would have left you by the side of the road to be raised by rodents a long time ago.
Em: (perfectly serious) One Time you did.*
Me: Oh no, sister, that was your father – you can’t pin that one on me. That’s one therapy session in which I won’t be featured.

** Back story.

When Emily was just three, she had a bad habit of throwing things at us when we drove. Her shoes, socks, toys, books. She would get mad and throw things. One rainy day she threw something at her daddy as he drove and he said:

Terrance: “You do that again and I am going to stop and put you out at the side of the road”
Emily: Throws something
Tee: “I am serious, little bad ass – don’t think I won’t stop and put your ass out”
Emily: “Go ahead. Do it.”

(I am in the passenger seat with my mouth a perfect O – cause it is ON now, mofo. White parents will threaten - Black parents will DO)

Terrance pulls over to the side of the road.
Tee: Ok – Get Out”
Emily: Unbuckles her car seat “Ok, I’m going”

She GETS OUT of the car and stands by the car in the rain and shuts the door,

Me: Turning to Terrance “Holy Shit – what are we going to do?”
Tee: I don’t know – I didn’t think she would really get out
Me: She is such a bas ass. I am going to unroll the window and ask her if she wants to get back in.

Me: Em – are you ready to get back in the car?

She stares at me with her little lips puckered up in defiance

Me: “You can get back in, if you are ready to listen to Daddy’s words”

Emily silently opens the car door and climbs back into her car seat.
We drive home and I prepare myself for the hell that will be her teenage years.

8 Baleful Regards:

Anonymous said...


(must pause to breathe, wipe tears from eyes)

This SO happens in our house. I'll be obsessed with blogs and my daughter will ask for something. J will be on the other computer reading hockey news. Whichever sucker tunes in first (after multiple, plaintive cries) will end up getting whatever she wants, which she'll quickly lose interest with. And like you said, whoever's up fetches for the other parent. It's become a battle of the wills to see who can sit the longest.

Boy, you are in so much trouble with that girl in a few years. Sounds like she has no fear.

Anonymous said...

Awesome. I'm dying.
"(I am in the passenger seat with my mouth a perfect O – cause it is ON now, mofo."
"I don't know. I didn't think she would really get out"


Thanks for the laugh.

Table4Five said...

I LOVE that he called her a "little bad ass"!

I may need to borrow him in a few years when I have both a preschooler and pre-teen boys. Yikes.

Anonymous said...

That HAS to be the funniest kid story. Oh. My. God.

Cindylou said...

We were out one time with some friends and their mother put the boyout and drove off!! (we weren't that far from where we were going and the boy was 11) nonetheless this incident made a huge impression on Owen who was four at the time, "We left David! We left David!"

Lisa said...

Ok. If your child and mine were to breed.... God help us all. heehee. That is the BEST kid story. Thanks for the laugh.

Anonymous said...

I think I am going to read that one over the phone to my mom.

Julie Marsh said...

I had to read that one out loud to Kyle. I am so committed to following through on threats, but I don't know if I would have been able to execute on that one. You guys are hilarious!

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