An open letter to the Patron's of Dunkin Donuts

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Dear Fellow DD aficionado's,

I like Coffee. I like Dunkin Donuts coffee. I know, not the not most highbrow of coffee places, but here in New England, Dunkin Donuts rules. There are 5 Dunkin Donuts on my commute to work. If there is a Dunkin Donut's shop in any given area, I will find it. And I will purchase a coffee beverage. I even have one of those Dunkin Donuts cards, that I recharge with 50 bucks every two weeks. Yummmmmmmmm, coffee.

So, please fellow patrons of Dunkin Donuts, do not have false expectations of the people at the counter. Unless they are young teenagers, I have reason to suspect that these are people for whom life did not go as they had planned. Do not befuddle them with mystical and complicated requests. They are here to pour coffee. Maybe hand out a doughnut. They are not here to toast bagels with complicated requests about margarine versus butter. They will do it, but they will fuck it up. You should not act outraged or suprised at this.

Please do not request complicated variations of coffee, nor should you stand and stare at the server when you get to the counter. Were you unaware that you were standing in line in Dunkin Donuts before you made it to the head of the queue? This place sells coffee. And Donuts.

Tell them what flavor of coffee you want ( my current fave: Vanilla Spice), what Size coffee you want, if/what you want as a cream, and the amount of sugar or other sweetener you would like.
Four things. For example, "I'd like a Vanilla Spice great one with extra cream and 3 Splenda"

Give it to them all at once. Don't make them ask you for each tiny piece of information. What do you think - this is an National Security issue? They can handle the four pieces of information. This is what they DO.

Oh and if you wanted toasted bagels, and a dozen donuts and a massage....Go inside. Do not muck up the drive through line with your vast orders. Those of us in the Drive through line usually JUST WANT COFFEE.

Finally, on a Saturday morning, when a crabby looking mother walks in, because the drive through line is out into the street - let her get her god damn cup of coffee. Yes, I see that you have brought an entire baseball team into the lobby. I am not afraid to hurt them. I just want a cup of coffee. I do not want to hear about what this child wants or that child wants. I don't care.
Seriously. I have 5 mintues to get my kid to ballet, and I really need a cup of coffee.

Thank you for your time.

6 Baleful Regards:

Anonymous said...

have you seen the meat-filled paninis??? what the FUCK is DD selling meat-filled pannini things??? (and they look disgusting) It's a *coffee* shop. If you want breakfast, I say, go to McD's BK, bagel shop or similar.
I am looking fwd to the Van. Spice v. much. glad to hear it rocks.

Anonymous said...

also, my tip to the masses? NEVER GET BEHIND A CONSTRUCTION WORKER when in line. For they are ordering for like 20 of their closest construction buddies. Beware of people holding lists. Unless of course you don't mind being late to work.

Sarah said...

I love dunkin donuts-but the lines, oh God the lines make me want to cry sometimes-that's why I send the hubby (esp. on weekends)

Anonymous said...

I'm with ya. I always want to kiss the people in line who order a dozen donuts and let the workers pick. I want to strangle the people who have very complex dozen-donut needs.

I'm lucky that there's a Dunkin near me with a very popular drive-thru, so no one ever goes inside. I waltzed in last week and got my coffee in no time flat, while those suckers in the drive-thru line waited several minutes. HA!

Anonymous said...

Ordering from Dunks is seriously an art form. I have to coach JDawg if I'm sending him in for me. When in doubt, order a medium regular.

Anonymous said...

This is great! May I also add: Please stop giving me such a hard time when I try and order just one munchkin for my kid. Don’t give me some b.s. that the minimum that I can buy is five. Because I will buy 5 just to keep my son quiet and I will eat four of them because they are there and I can’t help myself. And I don’t need to be eating donuts, really. Just give me one damn munchkin and I’ll give you the thirty cents and I won’t tell anyone our little secret.

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