Fear me, Puny Mortals

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Ah, yes. Have you come looking for the woman? No, I have not impaled her, though she
sorely deserves it as of late. All that moping and whining. In my time, she would have met a most painful and unfortunate end. She has deserted you pathetic humans. Was she going on an honorable "defile a thousand virgins tour?" No. Perhaps a "lay waste to all fertile land and crops" crusade. Sadly, no.

"A Vacation", she said. I threatened her with my sharpened stick and asked for more information. "Someplace warm", she said. "A place that young children love, and will devour my money in an inhuman manner."

What? Vlad is intrigued. Devouring? Inhuman? Perhaps the female can be allowed to take this vacation, as long as she promises to damage something, somewhere. Yes, the female assures Vlad. She will wreak havoc in her wake. She will lay waste to Uber-Mom's. She will mock and photograph the ridiculous footwear she witnesses. She may have several drinks by the side of a pool with the mother of her spawn's best friend. Yes, for she revealed that she and her Spawn's best friends family are traveling together on this "vacation". And that the Spawn, and best friend of Spawn DO NOT KNOW that they are 1. Traveling to this unholy Mecca, nor 2. Going to be spending the week together, for the mothers have kept all knowledge from their most foul offspring. The female breeders fully expect their spawn's heads to pop open and small demons emerge when they grasp the fullness of the plan.

So, the woman has left me to guard the blog. She has also left some links to old stories to amuse you. Which is lucky, cause if it was up to me, I'd cut all your tongues out. And don't read them all at once. She's going to be gone a LONG time. Unless she can find a computer, but she doubts it.

Dawn hates school secretaries

My venture into Rock Opera

Nothing is sacred

Dawn chases the ice cream truck, while drunk

In which Dawn reveals the real reason she works

Emily is the Master Ninja

This needs no other introduction

The Sperm Washcloth

Turn your head and Cough

Ok, so not everyone in my profession is a genius

She would KICK Osama's Ass

Why I tolerate the trailer park kids

Her future lies in being a Dominatrix, I fear

12 Baleful Regards:

Julie Marsh said...

You. Are. Killing. Me.

In the best way possible - death by laughter.

I can hardly wait to get started reading. Shall I parcel out one link per day? How long are you going to be gone? And you had better not be kidding about taking obnoxious photographs and sharing them with us.

selzach said...

OMG, I am laughing so hard. I have to say, the vasectomy doctor and washcloth posts are my favorites. In your post about the stupid daycare names (good lord we have a ton around here) all I could think of was Trots Express . Yeah, been there for sure.

I hope you're having a great vacation!

Anonymous said...

Yay! Have a blast at the House of Mouse and don't forget to do some fun adult stuff along the way. Emily is going to blow a gasket when she finds out. Awesome.

Diana said...

oh my goawd, i just read the washcloth story, and- well, WOW! how frickin funny!
I will save other stories for when the assholes in my office piss me off again.
have fun on your vaca!

Anonymous said...

Wow. Vlad, please tell Dawn that she is a brave, brave soul for bringing her family to the mecca under those circumstances.

Ah, memories -- I remember the first post of yours I read was about the daycare titles. I was hooked then and am still hooked now. :-)

Jess Riley said...

Hey Vlad: wish our girl a happy and relaxing vacation. Looking forward to hearing of her exploits and seeing photos of ugly footwear.

(So excited to read old posts and learn more about our heroine! :)

The Gradual Gardener said...

Have a great trip! And bring us back pictures of you in mouse-ears!

Anonymous said...

Happy traveling! And I'm going to be mighty disappointed if we don't get at least one post from a Starbucks somewhere.

halloweenlover said...

I love Vlad!!! We'll miss you! Hope the vacation does you well. Avoid any talking movie characters!

Mommygoth said...

Ah, I do love to see Vlad back.

Bobita said...

Woman, I await your return with great anticipation! May Spawn and her BFF find great joy at the mecca. And may you "find fodder for fabulous" post...whilst sipping cocktails 'side the pool!

Vlad, my husband has stepped out for a few hours...what kind of tricks you got up your sleeves?

mamatulip said...

I saved this post for a rainy day. Today's that day. I've been laughing so damn hard I think I've stimulated a bowel movement. Please, for the love of all things holy, write a fucking book.

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