Numero Uno for "How to Make a Shank"

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Dear Internet,

If you have come here for advice as to shank making, you will be sorely disappointed. However, I can't imagine that it is rocket science. Shank making, that is. A handle, a sharpened object? Just watch Prison Break every Monday and you should be able to figure it out. Shit, if a girl from New England can piece it together from a show, I think that you - serious shank maker on a quest - should have no problem.

Now onto you - "crotch smell", "Best way to trim a crotch" and "bush trim" folks. Have you spent any time alone, in your bathroom? These are not questions that I, internet blogger, should have to answer for you. No one took me aside at a "special time" and shared the wisdom of all things Crotch related. If spending 20 minutes alone, in your bathroom naked doesn't solve these mysteries, I suggest that you book a wax at a spa. That should help reveal the mystery.

Excuse me - "Squishy Tummy" people? I am a bit baffled as to why you are typing these words into a search engine. I CLEARLY have no advice for this topic, as my own belly remains squishy. Crunches? Lipo? I have come to acceptance.

Hey Posers. "I am the best"? No, I think not.

For all those who got here via "How mothers feel about incredible kids". 1. I already know you are not a mother. Because mothers feel all things about their kids - all the time. Often at the same time. That's why we look so baffled most of the time. On behalf of all mothers, we want you to know that we were really hip and sexy at one point. Now, however, we can afford great products, so the trade off is there.

And finally Mr "I Love my wife's huge jiggly belly" man. Kudos to you sir. Really. I both admire your commitment to your wife, whilst simultaneously shuddering at the implications that you were searching for other men's wives which to ogle. May I suggest that you emphasize your love to Your wife? Really. I mean Terrance might get a hell of a night out of a statement like that, given the right atmosphere.

Baleful regards,
Dawn
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I use Sitemeter and go to "referrals" to see what search engine phrases have brought people to my site. Most are fine - some make me want to shower....

15 Baleful Regards:

Elizabeth said...

Oh come on, you know you are the expert on both shank making and crotch smell. Don't even pretend you're not!

I have the free SiteMeter account and the referral page tells me how people found my site but not what search words they used. Do I need the upgrade to get that? Cause I really want to be Numero Uno for "Cookie Porn".

Beth said...

yeah - i got ranked for "pot belly hanging over jeans"

and I don't think i even have those words in my blog.

i guess now they are using personal observations

Nancy said...

I don't let search engines access my blog. I'm definitely missing out on a lot of entertainment that way!

MrsFortune said...

Oh, Dawn you crack me up. :-) Thanks for the Saturday amusement.

sweatpantsmom said...

Hopefully no one is using a shank to trim their bush.

My last search words were, "I could tell mom was looking at my pants."

I may have to change the name of my blog.

Lisa said...

This is why I love reading your blog Dawn. You cover a plethora of subjects. :-)

I wanted to do an "easter crackpipe" entry just for you. So I googled it. And the only thing back that I got was my own site. How sad is that?

The Gradual Gardener said...

You just made me check my own Statcounter. Someone found me by typing "panyhose", and I was #7 on the list. In the top ten! Wow! All because "I hate panyhose" was in my "100 Things About Me" entry!

Then I realized...The correct spelling is "pantyhose." So, apparently I'm in the top ten of people who don't know how to spell...

mama_tulip said...

I Love my wife's huge jiggly belly

I want Dave to get that tatooed on his stomach.

Esereth said...

Strange. Shanks. I've always called them "shivs." And believe you me, I have much cause to talk about them, and the guards are gonna find out just how much cause if they don't lay off my bitches.

Squishy bellys make for the best zerberts.

Mignon said...

"Because mothers feel all things about their kids - all the time."

This is the most profound and accurate thing I have read about being a mom in a long long time. Wow.

(and I've avoided getting Sitemeter because I'm a slave to numbers and statistics, and I just don't need another thing to check obsessively - but I really want to know what is bringing people to me... oh the inner turmoil!)

Bobita said...

So funny! I'm absolutely speechless at some of the search terms...you could put together a VERY funny book with this stuff!

Or see how many wierdos you can wrangle in by dropping random "bait" verbage!! YIKES!

Very funny!

krista said...

This is hilarious, so is everyone elses comments. Sweatpants mom- I practically snorted when I read: "Hopefully no one is using a shank to trim their bush."

Dawn- this is very funny too: "Because mothers feel all things about their kids - all the time. Often at the same time. That's why we look so baffled most of the time."

Ahhh, always engaging and entertaining over here. Thanks.

oshee said...

This is so funny! I understand but nobody has ever used such odd words to find me. I must have a rather boring blog. lol..

mothergoosemouse said...

How did you KNOW that I was considering writing an open letter to the pervs who keep finding me?

You have a much greater sense of humor about it than I do though.

jen said...

I just wrote a quick reply to soemone who finally answered "who is Christina Cousins?" from about a month ago- I have gotten about 100 hits from that. Anyway, I have gotten some oddies, like "kirk Cameron underwear" (I think that's my favorite) and then I got one that was so awful, I wanted to cry: twelve and year and g!rls and N&ked pics. It was from outside the US so not like I could do much with that.

 
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