I've been infected

Friday, April 14, 2006

Elizabeth tagged me for the “6 Strangest” Meme – so here it is – in all the gruesome glory.

1. I killed a hobo, just to watch him die.
2. I am the illicit love child of Neil Diamond.
3. My car is covered in Magnet decals
4. I say the complete rosary every night and never, ever use foul language
5. I love my giant silicone breasts
6. I feel that the only thing that should be waxed is a car.




No, are you not buying those? Not even the hobo? Or the rosary? I do sing a mean version of “Sweet Caroline” and those of you ( and again - you know who you are) have seen my reaction to a magnet decal on my car, and I guess I have shared my feelings on the "curb appeal" factor of a good trim and wax.

Damn it all to hell. You people are good. Ok. Here are some real ones then.

Six things you most likely don’t know about me, since I never put it on my blog (which is frankly a leetle hard to believe cause I am so, like “guarded” about my life)

1. I detest having hot feet. I must be able to access fresh air at all times, so sleeping bags are torture. Terrance’s ONLY instructions during labor were to keep the nurses from putting anything on my feet. I ain’t kidding. I might have ripped a nurse’s spleen out if they had tried to put those damn booties on me – even as doped up on the morphine as I was. I rarely wear socks. As a footnote ( ha-ha-ha, see me slapping my knee) I have very agile toes and can pick things up with them. I call them my “prehensile feet.” I also spend a lot of time and money keeping my feet pumiced, scrubbed and smooth. There is NO Reason, in the US for any woman to walk around with crusty ass hooves. Seriously. No one is walking twelve miles to fetch water over rocks. Do NOT wear sandals if you haven’t pumiced. Join my crusade.

2. I not only like the shoes, I lurve the shoes. I have a closet full of shoes – in their boxes – labeled by season, color and style. I often buy the same style in multiple colors if I think the shoe is hot enough (the red ones in the photo have companion black ones that are featured in the Bizarro Mommyblogger shirt). I’m a real fan of the mule, and things that strap around my ankle. I also like HIGH heels. If it’s fewer than 2 inches, bah. That’s a sissy shoe and you’re a pussy for wearing it. Unless it is a very expensive sandal. Which I'll forgive. Don't lets talk about the boxes in my trunk.

3. I was a sushi virgin until 2004. My buddies Denise and Leah deflowered me. And I drank a lot of hot saki. I suppose that means I am a hot saki lesbian sushi lover? Speaking of Lesbians… (That gratuitous display was purely for the search hits!)

4. I have attended and LOVED a real Massachusetts Gay Wedding. It was gorgeous and the brides were gorgeous and I cried. I love the photo I have of me with the brides, as Emily thinks it is the shit to have two brides in white gowns at the same time. This was also where a certain photo of me, with the champagne flutes tucked under the bosoms was taken, as well as Me – playing the spoons. Maybe someday these will appear. Only the Shadow knows.

5. Speaking of weddings … someone who knows who she is and I changed the big glowing sign at a wedding from “Congratulations Heather and Stephen” to “Congratulations Heath and Stephen” and we took pictures. I swear I practically pee myself when I see that photo. That was the night that I was photographed as “Bar Fly Barbie”. Hmm, that gives me an idea, perhaps “Bar Fly Barbie” will join Vlad for a Q&A at some point.

6. I once encountered a black bear while walking in Waterville Valley. I was – unfortunately – holding a piece of cheesecake (that wasn’t even MINE, I might add) at the time that the bear came lumbering towards me. I told my two companions that per the Discovery Channel – we should stay very still, and perhaps drop to the ground. I said this as a whisper – out of the side of my mouth – frozen. My companions took off running – leaving me with the bear – which thankfully could have given a rats ass about the cheesecake. But it was a big bear, and it was real close. Apparently my random animal behavior tidbits of knowledge render me useless in the face of a real, live bear.



So what do these things say about me? Go ahead, psychoanalyze me….

23 Baleful Regards:

Kristen said...

I love me some play on words. I used to fantasize about changing the NIAGRA fire station sign to VIAGRA.

I was kind of hoping you had big giant silicone boobs. Would have been fun to watch them jiggle under the SUCK THIS UBER MOM shirt LOL. No worries. I still love ya!

Bobita said...

"Bar Fly Barbie?"

Must. See. Photo!

:)

jess said...

I also killed a hobo, but not to watch him die. It was for other issues.

madge said...

Will you be bringing a separate, extra special, extra large bag of shoes to BlogHer? I might...

I loathe unkempt feet. I once had to do a two-week training course taught by a woman with hideous feet whose toe nails were so long they poked holes in the hose she wore with her open-toe shoes. So. Many. Nightmares. There.

Marcie said...

Was that hobo by any chance in Reno? And the Bar Fly Barbie, you need to have big silicone tatas for that.

MrsFortune said...

Did you get any hot maki with your saki?

Damn, Dawn, I love you, that's all I have to say. I just went and got my feet all prettied up so I could wear sandals. I had to wear sandals TO the pedicure place and it killed me, even though I walked like two feet from the car to the place.

mama_tulip said...

I just tried to Google 'I killed a hobo just to watch him die'. See me on your Site Meter? Isn't that from a Johnny Cash song?

I hate having hot feet too. I always sleep with my feet sticking out from under the covers.

I'm still a sushi virgin, although my best friend says it's awesome and wants me to go with her for spider rolls.

Esereth said...

Is there any connection between your killing a hobo and singing Sweet Caroline...."this is a song I wrote after killing a drifter to get an erection...."

Does that ring a bell or is it all an amazing coincidence for no one but me?

Dawn said...

Oooooo Esereth you ARE GOOD! Oh yes, I totally swiped that whole scenerio. I wondered if anyone else would get the whole "Will ferral as Neil Diamond" thing.

And Madge...Stockings with open toed sandals? The SHAME! THE SHAME!

broominyaya said...

Haa. I love knowing that if I want to laugh, i just pay a little visit to your blog. :)

Too funny. I have to admit when I read your #1 i was hooked and saying outloud "NUH-UGH!" I totally blame it on my very sheltered life here in small town Canada.

Feral Mom said...

Zee black bear represents your...how do you say? Sex drive. Und zee cheescake is your...how do you say? Lady bits. OK, that makes no sense.

My camping fanatic husband tells me that black bears are relatively gentle compared to brown bears, who are the ones who apparently get one whiff of your toothpaste or your tampon and come lumbering over to tear your head off. But I still say you were badass not to give up the cheesecake!

roo said...

I just overheard Jeff say, "Once you shiv a guy, everything settles down."

I never realized you and my husband have so much in common.

Gurukarm Kaur said...

"Heath and Stephen" --- hahahahaha! Think they ever saw that one coming? Did you leave it that way?

love it!

Lisa said...

Yes, SO want to see Bar Bly Barbie.

Elizabeth said...

Well, I'm just a little ashamed now, because as you know I wear socks all the time even to bed, and I've only had ONE pedicure in my life, and I never EVER wear high heels. (Putting head down in shame)-can we still be friends?

Do you remember the SNL skit with Jan Hooks in People's Court, the case of the hairdresser vs. the Devil (Jon Lovitz-"I am Satan. Worship me!")-the judge asks Jan Hooks what her occupation is and she says in a bad Southern accent "Your honor, I am a barfly". That's what I thought of when I read Barfly Barbie.

Sugarmama said...

Oh, dear. Crusty ass hooves are no good? Doesn't it count for anything that I can walk down our gravel driveway to get the mail without flinching? No?

Mignon said...

Heath and Stephen sound like they'd be a cuter couple than Heather and Stephen anyway.

Nancy said...

I love my giant silicone breasts, too.

Oh wait -- that one wasn't true? I take it back. My bad.

C.ELLA said...

My husband has monkey feet too. If you don't cover your feet while you sleep the monsters under the bed will get them.

You are hilarious.

Izzy said...

My feet are both prehensile AND crusty. I haven't had a pedicure since before Christmas. You would not approve.

sweatpantsmom said...

Oh my - looks like I won't be showing you my feet at BlogHer.

Andrea said...

That clinches it. I'm never ever showing you my feet. I've never had a pedicure, not that I don't want one. I have a skin disorder that I won't go into to spare you the boredom, but it resembles athlete's foot that never goes away. It's not athlete's foot, but I'm afraid I would get on that wonderful massaging chair and they'd tell me to get out and never show my face again. I paint my own toenails and I try to keep my feet nice, but it's not a professional job by any stretch. I've been prescribed creams, ointments, powders, you name it, and none of it has worked. I believe I'm going to demand a referral to a dermatologist. In the meantime, I get my nails done every couple weeks (See??? I do care and take the time for my appearance!) and I find myself staring wistfully at the line of pedicure chairs with their sinful-looking foot baths. I have to consciously tell myself not to stare so the women in the chairs don't think I have some sort of creepy foot fetish. Well, maybe I do... Something to explore.

mothergoosemouse said...

Hello, I want to hear the rest of this bear story. You can't just leave me hanging like that.

 
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