Monday, April 17, 2006

I was given a gift today.

The gift wasn’t unexpected, nor was it planned. The gift was, I suppose, inevitable. I cried when I received the gift. Not right away. I don’t like to cry in front of people. I waited until I was driving to work to let out the tears. Hot and salty, smearing my eyeliner as I drove the route to work.

It was a gift that I had been asking for, and dreading receiving. Like a tetanus shot, you know it is what you need, and yet, it is going to hurt like hell – and you know it. I no longer have anyone to tell me it won’t hurt. You relinquish that comfort when you become an adult.

My gift today was truth. While I thank the friend who brought me that truth, I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t say that a little part of me died when receiving that gift. Truth is the only thing that must be exactly what it is. We can each bend it or spin it into figurines that shape around the other parts of our lives, but when the day is quiet, and you really look, you can see that we are looking at made up stories – figments of nothing.

I have driven myself to live the truth for a long time now. Not to form it into something else, but to hold it in what ever form it came and adjust myself to it’s shape. I was malleable, the truth was not.

Recently, I consciously turned away from that. Whether driven by fear, or cowardice or something else I can’t yet name, I shut my eyes to the truth. I made up stories that suited me better. I indulged myself. I knew better, and did it anyway.

Truth doesn’t tolerate that for long, I have found. Being told what you need to hear is a double-edged sword. Cutting as it slides in, cutting as it slides out. The wound, while painful, is clean and will heal. It doesn’t dull the hurt though.

So, I give thanks for the gift. I acknowledge the hurt – however necessary. I know I will heal, for I always do. I shake my head and let the untruths fall like water from my hair. Today I cry. I give thanks for the gift of truth, even as I hate it.

12 Baleful Regards:

Julie Marsh said...

Sometimes we have to stick our heads in the sand for just a little while, until we're truly ready to deal with a situation. It's not denial per se, just postponement of the inevitable.

I hope you are all right (or will be). You know where to find me.

Anonymous said...

Peace to you today as you grow a little bit more. I admire your efforts very much, even as I know the pain you are describing.

Anonymous said...

I do know the truth hurts, even as it helps us to grow and change. Let yourself feel that hurt so you do heal, but let friends help you through it where we can. I'll be thinking of you.

Andrea said...

Wow. You said beautifully, and very sadly, how truth, that bee-otch, can seem painfully cathartic. I admire your strength, however, to face truth in all its forms, both the ugly and hard to take as well as the beautiful. That takes courage. I want to give you a hug or hold your hand with a silent smile of encouragement. Instead I'll have to settle for just telling you I'm thinking of you.

Lisa said...

Oh wow. What a day! Sounds like you could also use a glass of wine with your shot of truth!

Jess Riley said...

Wow. Beatifully written. Wishing you strength and peace.

mamatulip said...

The truth hurts, but it takes a very big person to look past the hurt and recognize the truth.

oshee said...

The comments have pretty much expressed my thoughts. But, I didn't want to be silent in my support. The best thing about such that once it is out, there is no secret waiting to hurt you even more.

Table4Five said...

So, so well written. You have my support as well, if there's anything you want to vent about I'd be happy to listen. Hope whatever it is that you heard the truth about is something you can handle.

P.S. Next post for me will be pictures of K in her "new" clothes!

Mom101 said...

This is lovely. You do some fine writing when you're hurting, if that's any sort of consolation.

Anonymous said...

Truth is strange that way, able to heal and hurt in one fell swoop. I wish you strength in whatever you're going through.

Beautiful post.

Anonymous said...

I so very much understand what you're saying. It's counterintuitive but yes, accepting and working through the pain of truth can set you free.

I wish you both clarity and peace :)

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