Heeeeee'ss Baaaaaackkkk

Monday, April 03, 2006

HAH! You puny mortals thought I had gone. I was merely on my “Defile a thousand virgins” spring tour. I am on hiatus until my “Necklace of a thousand and one ears and find the best fried clam roll” summer tour begins.

So what have you weak and insignificant humans have for ME – Vlad the Impaler?

Q. Dear Vlad,

My 4 year old has recently gotten very willful. She even told me that she hated me the other day and slammed the door in my face! What ever shall I do?
“The Worst Mommy in the World – according to my child”

A. Dear Sniveling Female,

Get a grip on yourself woman. My first suggestion would be to tie her to a stake on a hill of fire ants and let them feast upon her obstinate flesh. If that is not an option, than may I suggest that you rip her toenails off and douse her feet with whiskey? No? You Americans make me sick. I suppose if you’re unwilling to punish her in the Vlad the Impaler way, then all I can say is this. It is very normal and appropriate for young children to express these strong feelings. Often “hate” is the best word they have for the frustration and anger that they are feeling. Simultaneously, they understand that as the adult in their life, they are utterly dependant on you for their care and well-being. It is a sign of their growing independence and awareness of autonomy. Now lock her in a cage with hungry rats.


Q. Dear Vlad,

My five year old son has recently taken to peeing in places other than the toilet. The back yard, the school playground, the wall in the bathroom. He then lies to me, and tells me it wasn’t him. He has been potty trained for years. Why would he do this?

Pee Boys Mother

A. Dear Mother of Future King,

Have I met you? Were you part of my “Thousand virgin tour” a few years back? For this sounds as if he is truly the son of my loins. He is marking his territory woman, and you would do well to heed his warnings. Ah, I remember my own boyhood peeing as if it were yesterday – first comes peeing, then the torture with hot pokers, and finally the beheadings. Sigh, your son is sounding like a fine young impaler.

Are you staring at me with incredulity woman? Mother of the pee maker? Am I sensing that you wish to stop this behavior? What is next – a ban on his public masterbation?
Do you not recognize his potential? His inner zest? No?
Ok, well – often when children revert or begin to new behaviors that they know are inappropriate – they are experiencing stress of a change. Is there anything different is his routine? A New teacher? A friend move away? A new baby in the house? When a child feels out of control they will often turn to controlling the only two things they may have complete power over – Eating and Toileting. I would suggest that you speak with your son – making sure that you stress that this is inappropriate behavior and that there will be consequences. He will wash the wall – when he pees on it, for instance. He will loose a privilege or toy. Lay out the consequences and see what happens. If he does it again – make sure you follow through. Little boys find all things genital wildly hilarious. He may have seen another boy or older male relative do this same thing in the woods? Young boys will often emulate older male role models, particularly when it comes to the hysteria of peeing outdoors.
Now, where do you live? I may be by with a DNA test. I sense this child is my seed.


Vlad the Impaler is an occasional contributor to this blog. His renown in the world of early childhood is a well-kept secret. Please don’t make him visit you. His on site consultations are no “Super Nanny and often result in death, mayhem and carnage.

18 Baleful Regards:

E. said...

Vlad, you are hee-larious. I think I have a crush on you. Too bad I'm not a virgin.

Mignon said...

And now this is where I come for the best quotes of the day:
"When a child feels out of control they will often turn to controlling the only two things they may have complete power over – Eating and Toileting."

Thanks Dawn. It's probably a good thing I don't know you in real life because I would never leave you alone with the "What the F*k is wrong with my kid??" stuff.

IzzyMom said...

lolololol...where was Vlad the Impaler when we were going through biting and hitting a few years ago?

Anonymous said...

Dear Vlad,

Do you also give marital advice?

MrsFortune said...

Dear Vlad,

I need some help getting back at my boss. Can you elaborate on that whole toe-nail/whiskey thing?

Very funny post, Dawn, I'll look forward to the next installment.

Anonymous said...

I'd like a personal audience with Vlad, especially as the time for the 'Birds and Bees' talk is nigh.

I sense that he would have some pearls of wisdom on this subject.

Anonymous said...

I worship at the altar of Vlad. He looks just like the former Mommaaamme household deity known as The Conquistador.

Hey, Vlad, if J ever dumps me, why don't you come on over and I'll become the mother of the next son of your loins (wink wink).

(Mother of the pee maker? bwahahahahaha!)

Lisa said...

I'm with tb. He needs to give marital advice.

Anonymous said...

Dear Vlad,

I've never written a fan letter before (I swear) but OMG, you're so hot and smart and cute, I just had to tell you. Where will you be appearing next? I'll totally buy tickets!!

Jess Riley said...

Oh Vlad, I loved you in Bram Stoker's Dracula. Well, except the part where you turned into a swarming mass of rats. But other than that, hot stuff, fangboy. Hoooot stuff.

(Seriously funny, Dawn. You have a gift. :)

Anonymous said...

Dear Vlad,

Marry me!


Mom101 said...

Thank you Vlad for making me laugh just when I was feeling tired and grumpy and generally annoyed with the world. You rock, you impaler you.

The Gradual Gardener said...

Maybe Vlad could replace Dr. Phil on Oprah? I might actually watch it then!

Jaelithe said...

Oh, Most Terrible, Kingly and Virile Vlad, I know you are very busy maintaining your hectic schedule of village-razing, farm-salting, fertile-virgin-defiling, and impaling-of-the-disrespectful, but I must humbly second Izzy's request that you consider improving us all by bestowing your child-rearing wisdom to your adoring fans on a weekly basis.

Perhaps in your next column, you might deign to suggest to me tactics for getting my son to regularly eat foods which are any texture other than crunchy?

Bobita said...

I sense this is becoming a "Dear Ann" forum for Vlad!

Let me add...

Dear Vlad,

My almost-3 yr old daughter has taken to cursing. She enjoys it. Particularly in front of her father. (From whom she has learned her newest vocabulary!) Her favorites? G*d-D*mmit, F*ck, and Stupid.

Could she be fruit of your loins, also? You sneaky devil! I thought that was only a hooooottt dream!

Now, help me cure her...or I will sue you for child support!


Mommygoth said...

You are just. not. right. I like you so much!

Jaelithe said...

Or . . Beth's suggestion, not Izzy's. Sorry.

halloweenlover said...

Fruit of my loins, HA! Vlad's the best. Thank goodness he's back.

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