Thursday, May 11, 2006

Today I let go of my pain. I forced myself to focus on Now and not the unchangeable past, or unknowable future. Now.

Energy calls out for other like energy. If you are in a shitty mood, eventually everyone else will be too. Your decision to change your energy can have vast impact on not only yourself, but others around you.

My Pain-body has been in control of my life for about six weeks now. This isn’t depression – different feel entirely. Believe me, I know. My Pain-body sensed an opportunity and, as is it’s nature, leapt at it. By keeping me focused on the past and future, I was paralyzed to attend to now.

The pain-body likes pain. It feeds on pain. It wants to stay alive so it looks to create feeding opportunities. Mine created a hell of an opportunity. It has gorged itself for six weeks.

Until today, when I finally – FINALLY – understood what this was about. Yeah, I know what my therapist said and Yes, she was right, but until I “got it”, I couldn’t get it. My life is going…beautifully. I mean – Duh, right? Accepted to a PhD program? Paid to blog? WTF, Dude?

“Oh No”, said the Dawns pain-body. “Now is the time to remind her about the last time she felt really awful”, it thought casting around for the right trigger. Once found, it latched onto it. “Feeling too successful is Bad. Feeling too good is bad…Must…create…chaos…to…divert”, said Dawns Pain body.

And it did. Chaos that I haven’t seen in years. Shit loads of Chaos. So much, I couldn’t recognize the person I was at that time. She was someone I had not seen in a long time. She does things that Dawn would never, ever do. Like drink a bottle of wine on a Sunday night.

In a last ditch attempt to re-focus myself from doing this PhD program, moving to a city that I love, my mind created needs and wants that weren’t real. Not hallucinations but feelings.

People who live in their pain-body? Addicts. Pick an addiction and you’ll see a person who is avoiding their life now. I started acting like a junkie, looking for the next score, chasing the high that they once had a long time ago.

That’s who I’ve been. It’s sickened me, literally. I tried to purge with extra long sessions of yoga, punishing myself to the point of exhaustion. I’d stopped eating. I’d stopped sleeping. I couldn’t meditate. I just wanted to chase the high. I had it once and I could have it in the future, if I just ignored now. “Come on Dawn – hurts so good”, whispered my pain-body.

I won’t lie, I followed. Willingly, happily, complicity. This Sunday, the true Dawn popped out and gave Pain-body Dawn a real kick ass dressing down. Ergo the bottle of wine. By Wednesday, Pain Body Dawn was in withdrawal mode. Twitching, crying, pleading for something – anything – just feed it. You don’t need pride. You don’t need intelligence. Just give in. Get the high.

Today, I woke up. I looked at the shell that Pain Body Dawn has left and thought, “Thank god, that’s over.” I actually felt her lift from me today. It was glorious.

“Welcome back”, I said to me. “You’ve got some work to do now…”

I have a feeling I will sleep tonight.

11 Baleful Regards:

Sugarmama said...

Damn, this sounds so hard! But of course you deserve good things happening to you. It's YOUR life, that YOU are working so hard to make good. I know that's probably hard to keep in perspective when the hormones/chemicals are trying to take over, but it's true, dammit!

Table4Five said...

Oh honey, I'm so sorry. I sensed something was wrong but I didn't know how to ask. I'm glad you found true Dawn again. Please email me or I can send you my chat IDs if you ever need to talk. I know it's cheesy but here's a cyber {{{hug}}.

mamatulip said...

This stuff is so hard, but it's so worth it. You're worth it. You know? Hang in there.

oshee said...

I have never before heard it put so well before. You have given me a lot to think about.
I am glad things are going better for you today. I hope it keeps up. Look out for the easy paths back to where you've been that are going to appear and look so enticing.
Thank you.

Lisa said...

Yeay Sleep. Sounds like you NEED some. Way to kick some ass! Sounds like you needed to do that too!

Mom101 said...

I am happily welcoming you back too. The wine and self-flagelation is in the past and it's another day.

Anonymous said...

I am glad you are doing better. It takes a strong woman to come back from that sort of pain. Hugs and best wishes from me.

Anonymous said...

Right Fucking On. Welcome back indeed.

Andrea said...

You are so strong. And eloquent. I'm glad you're back, and writing better than ever about it.

Anonymous said...

Diversionary tactics. I'm glad you're back.

Meghan said...

How the Hell did you get into my brain and steal my thoughts?

Except you are now WAY more well-adjusted than me. I hope I can catch up.

I am proud of you Dawn, for kicking ass and taking names. You are a beautiful triumphant specimen.

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