True Confessions Part 1

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Confession #001

Maybe the scratches on the top of car weren't caused by the car wash. Maybe they were caused by your daughter cheerfully clearing the car off with the steel tipped snow shovel. Maybe.

Confession #002

I know that you do loads of your own laundry when I'm not home. I know that you ignore the stack of the family laundry and wash your own personal load. I know this cause I find them in the dryer, and there is no coincidence large enough to convince me that this is "just what you happened to throw in". Especially as it has happened repeatedly for 15 years. This makes me unreasonably mad. That's why I leave all your clothes for the end, sometimes.

Confession #003

Your electronic organizer? The one you loved in 1998? Yeah. That didn't fall out of your car and get run over by your tire. I washed and dried it in the laundry , then tried to get you to think you'd done it by wedging it under your tire, in the rain.

Confession #004

I always spend more than I've told you I've spent. ALWAYS. No one gets this many shoes for what you think I've spent. That's the beauty of my own checking account.

Confession #005

I know where your belt, glasses or wallet are. I just think it's funny to watch you run around like a crazy person looking for them.

Confession #006

I WANT you to go out with your friends. Please. Get out of the house. Plus you always come home awfully grateful for what you have at home after listening to your friends bitch and moan about their wives.

Confession #007

When I say, "I don't care", sometimes I don't care. Sometime I do. Listen for the tone. It's been 15 years, it shouldn't be this hard to figure out.

Confession #008

When you go out of town, I play video games like a maniac. I also leave the bathroom door open when I pee, cause you aren't there to get all freaked out. And I don't do the dishes until right before you come home. Basically, chaos reigns.

Confession #009

I'm not really sleeping when I bump you at night. You're snoring Loudly and I have got to do something to stop the noise.

Confession #010

Your mother and I talk about you. When you are being a shit, I call her and she convinces me to stay married to you. You don't know how much you owe to your mother. Seriously.

29 Baleful Regards:

Lisa said...

What a great idea for a post. And this was awesome. I love your confessions!

C.ELLA said...

Are we married to the same man?

madge said...

I don't know whether you are brave or just plain nuts.

Either way, priceless.

cluelesscarolinagirl said...

Can I link you? You are freaking hilarious.

Awesome Mom said...

Too funny!! I wish my husband would go out with his friends too because I want the TV to myself. I also kick my husband when he snores and then pretend that I am doing it in my sleep. I guess I am a bit meaner than you, hee hee.

Tater and Tot said...

That's hilarious! Surely your husband doesn't read this, right? Because that could put him into "wife confession overload." I don't know a whole lot about this particular state of mind, but I have heard that it's not pretty. Just be warned! LOL!

*found you through random link on crazy/hip blog mamas*

Jess Riley said...

You rock, Dawn. Love this idea!

I do more than bump J when he's snoring. I kick, pinch, and punch. Softly, of course.

Esereth said...

This is really good. Not even qualified "for a blogger," just really completely good and funny.

But you really are a terrible person.

Izzy said...

ROFL...my huz does #2. Like I'm an idiot and don't know that he only washes HIS stuff when he needs clean clothes.

And I do #9. Every. Damn. Night. And like Jess, I do a whole lot more...

Mom101 said...

Do you mind if I just print this out, hand it to Nate, and pass it off as my own? How about just number 9? Number 2 wouldn't apply because I don't think he even knows where our laundry room is.

blackbeltmama said...

OMG! That is too funny. I love the doing the dishes right before he comes in the door thing. My husband used to travel all the time, and about 15 minutes before he walked in the door, I would get my act together and make it look like it had been that way all along. Too funny!

I found you through Izzy. I'll be back.

mommy on the verge said...

Loooove These!
Confession: I blog when you aren't around. You think I'm doing schoolwork, but I'm posting like a mad woman!

Woman with kids said...

Too funny. You know, confession is good for the soul... especially if he doesn't happen to read your blog today.

Dawn said...

He doesn't read my blog.

ANd I have LOTS more of these. They were just the first ten. Kind of a "Bad wife" post secret....

Andrea said...

That's just too funny. I may have to do one of these myself... Though my husband does read mine occasionally. Oh well, maybe it would be therapeutic for us.

mothergoosemouse said...

Oh my god, you are too freaking funny.

#1 - Yes, I do know what happened to the right front bumper of the Honda. I feigned ignorance rather well though, didn't I?

#2 - How I wish he would just do his own damn laundry instead of hinting to me, "I'm almost out of underwear." Yeah....SO?

#5 - Oh yes. Contrary to popular belief, it is NOT the mother's responsibility to know the whereabouts of every last thing in this house. And even if I DO know, I'm under no obligation to SHARE that information.

#9 - Not only do I do all that AND more, but when I dream about how you are being a total shit, I beat the living crap out of you in my sleep.

Jess said...

I do #9 Every. Night.

TB said...

Awesome. And really, you don't pee with the door open on a regular basis? You seem like the type.

Jaelithe said...

#1 When the kid has wormed his way into our bed in the middle of the night, and he's kicking and punching us both in his half-sleep and driving us both insane, and I tell you you should sleep in the living room on the nice comfy futon by yourself and let me deal with the small tornado in the bed so you can get some sleep?

I'm not being nice; I just want you the hell out of the bed. Cuz the moment you get out, the kid rolls over to your side of the bed, steals your pillow, snuggles up to the wall, and falls right into a deep sleep, and then I have 80% of the bed to myself. Which is great, because I hate sharing the bed with you while we're sleeping, because our son inherited his tendency to kick people in his sleep from you.

Jaelithe said...

Oh, and #2,

I do my own laundry and then I do the boy's laundry before I do yours.

Heh.

Madeleine said...

This post is a thing of beauty!

I confess that one of the reasons I don't bitch at you for coming home late for dinner is that it gives me a few minutes to make a dent in the pile of dirty dishes.

Fraulein N said...

Heee.

Wait, you mean I'm still going to be breaking this down after 15 years? Sheesh.

Dawn said...

Oh Fraulein. You will be breaking this down ... and so much more.

An Tb's? I do pee with the door open, as does my daughter - which is why we know it BUGS him so much.

mama_tulip said...

I love this post. Love love love.

Sugarmama said...

Man, the laundry thing would really PISS ME OFF. Oh, and #6? I like my husband to go out with his friends because when he comes back he feels so grateful and guilty he is like putty in my hands for the next 24-48 hours! The man will do all kinds of things for me that he's been putting off for months. Heh.

roo said...

At first, I was the only one who peed with the door open. Now Jeff appreciates the Open Door policy for peeing-- so much easier to keep a good conversation going when you don't have to stop for bathroom breaks.

Nancy said...

I like how you numbered these with the preceding "00" -- does this mean you are expecting the list to go into the hundreds?

Unlike you with #5, I don't always know where J has misplaced his crap. But my unstated confession to J would be: your crap, your problem. If you need to know where your keys will be, keep them in the same place each time!

Piece of Work said...

This is very funny. I thought my husband was the only one who does loads of his own laundry secretly. What the hell?

thanks for the laugh!

stella said...

#10 is so me and my mother in law.

this post is awesome.

in fact the last 3 I have read are all great!

 
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