G-N-O-M-E-S, bitches.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

On Friday, I pulled into my driveway. I had to leave work early, cause - Terrance is gone and he is my child care provider. With his absence, I have to be home to greet our hellion as she pupates from the bus. I know, I know. Life is rough when you are the working parent who has to leave work early to greet the kid. Suck it. I carry the health insurance.

So, I leave my office at 2:30 p.m. I estimate about an hour to get home, if there is no traffic. I make it in 45 minutes. I am pleased.

I pull all the way into the driveway and this is the sight that greets me:



I begin to laugh. Hard. Belly laugh. I grope about for my camera in my purse. As I walk up the paved path, I see this on the opposite side of the garden, artfully place near the Lupines:

Might I add that if ever there was a gnome porno money shot? This would totally be it.



I am crying with laughter. CRYING. I've been gnomed. Do you know how hard it is to de-gnome a garden once they've established?

I stumble back to my car, gripping my belly with one hand, camera in the other. I am now laughing in those short, hesitant gasps - the ones when you've lost your breath and can't quite take a full inhale?

I compose myself and get my bag and other stuff from the car. I enter the house and find the Gnomer's card. I mentally hail her as the master. Master Gnomer, Ruler of the Gnome Universe.

I turn to put my shoes on the little "shoe rug thing" ( I believe that is the technical term) we keep by the sliding glass door and I see, peeking over the edge of the deck, down among the columbines and cardinal flower....



I may have pee'ed myself a little at this juncture. For real.

Let's just say that the "Gnome" stakes have been seen, and will be raised Master Gnomer. They will be Raised.

20 Baleful Regards:

Nancy said...

I can't decide which is funnier -- you using the term "pupates from the bus" or the idea of getting gnomed. LOVE the gnomes playing chess, where can I get one??? heh

Susan said...

OH my god, the gnomes playing chess! I need those.

And the "money shot" was almost as funny as "pupates from the bus."

And? Congrats on grad school AND your Club Mom gig. Both places are lucky to have you.

oshee said...

I love it. I think I need to gnome somebody! Especially the gnomes playing chess.

Andrea said...

I, too, lost it at "money shot". Now, whenever you go on another vacation, take one with you, because "you never roam alone".

Lena said...

This has happened to me too! For our 5 year anniversary! My favorite gift of all time. So butt ass ugly it made me do the butt ass ugly laugh.

With friends like these....

mama_tulip said...

*snort* Gnomes playing chess. Now I've seen it all.

Mom101 said...

Hilarious. It almost makes me want to move to the suburbs. No one ever gnomes your NYC apartment while you're away.

madge said...

Wait. You have a gnomer? I have GOT to get me one of those.

Who ever heard of such a thing?

Money shot gnome. Peeing.

Feral Mom said...

Those gnomes are horny. You can just tell. Maybe because they are related to leprechauns, who also can't get enough lovin.'
I am going to go use "pupates" in a sentence now.

Elizabeth said...

I'd like to see your gnomes go on trips with you and get their picture taken in front of famous landmarks. Bet the "money shot" one would have loved Disneyworld.

lildb said...

OHhhh, god. that's better than an orgasm. (if I could remember what that felt like, I may not -- well, whatever.)

I've been waiting. with. bated. breath. to link to this.

bitches.

C.ELLA said...

Gnomes so creep me out. "Money shot" too funny. I would love to Gnome someone but, I'm afraid of those freaky little things.

Congrats on everything.

jen said...

Gnomes playing chess set me over the edge... Oh My God.

the other mrs b said...

Gnomes playing chess - money shot - peeing myself. XO

MrsFortune said...

Bow-chicka-bow-bow (porno music thing) ... I didn't know they made a leisure-suit-larry gnome. Too freaking funny. You're infested. (And my word verification is "bogumsdy" which somehow seems appropriate for a garden gnome post.)

Mommygoth said...

I think I would have peed a lot earlier - hilarious!

selzach said...

Whodathunk gnomes play chess.

the other mrs b said...

Now, that's some funny shit right there - I've probably read it like 17 times today and each time I laugh harder (and harder). I'll throw it down right now and say it will be hard to top "Gnomes Playing Chess".....(gasping for air, laughing so hard)

wordgirl said...

What's next? Gnomes having sex? Not that I need to see that or anything.

Mignon said...

I think you've already figured out how to gnome-back! Gnomes in various money shot and compromising positions, with pictures, of course.

I love this! Jim and I are definitely all over it.

 
◄Design by Pocket