Sauteed Snark with Snark Tirimisu for dessert

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Back for more? I knew you would be!

I have been around women of non-white ethnicities for a long time now. One thing that never fails to amaze and please me - is their collective ease with their bodies and body type. Whereas white women get collectively mind-fucked about their weight, their ass, their boobs - EVERYTHING - Black and Latina women dare you to say something. And I mean that in a very literal sense. Dare you. Go ahead, try.

I have seen large gorgeous Latina women wearing bikini's that I wouldn't have dared wear on my skinniest day EVER when I was 7. My black sister in laws have tried to tempt me into wearing outfits that my whiteness just couldn't get past. I know my white limits - I cannot pimp certain styles for my sheer whiteness gets in the way.

This one, however, was special -

She was standing next to the one I like to think of as my "Britney Spears of the future" - who was screaming "Gary! GARY JUNIOR - YOU GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW -BEFORE I HAVE TO BUST YOUR ASS!", which really sets the tone for a day of family fun.

Plus, the belly - paired with the belly ring AND the bedazzled tube top? And discount Tattoo? Good lord.

Please folks. I speak as a fan of the tattoo's. I desperately want a tattoo of my own. I am waiting for a certain man to lose his eyesight so I can run off and get all the Tattoo's of my dreams. I like well crafted works of body art. Deciding to get one is not the time to go the discount route. Spend the money. Please. I beg you.

The long term injestion of lead can be the only reason for this outfit.

Did I miss the memo about wearing the colored bras with little tops? Cause I can't make sense of this "trend" - of which I saw a god-awful amount. Anyone? Anyone?


This one speaks for itself. As if to say "Fuck you Disney, which I will demonstrate by purchasing a 60 dollar ticket and spending the day in your fanstasy world- Facists."

I wanted to smack this woman for allowing this dude to Wear this shirt. Can you imagine walking around all day with this guy by your side? Puh-lease. Do I need to mention the "camo" shorts? No man looks good in flip flops. Not even the gay men can really pull it off. You've all been warned.

She did not read my "ode to arm fat", I suspect - nor it's cousin "In praise of back fat". Black can't be THAT slimming - come on.

Now I generally leave the sisters alone, but the denim vest? THE DENIM VEST! My eyes, my eyes!

I have heretofore declared my like of the body art. But the back tattoo's time has come and gone. This will not be cute on a 45 year old mother. She generally looks like she lost a fight with a pack of wild dingos.

This woman struck as the star of a new feature film "Weekend with Gloria" - You know the movie where one of the leads is a corpse? She looked about as animated.

And finally. Ladies, before wearing your shoes out and about - let's remove the tags, shall we? Nothing says "Desperate Divorcee" like a denim mini skirt shorter than your daughters and these platforms from "Journeys" - which I know cause you've got your cootch in my face with these sandals. Note my ultra cool Birkenstock to the side(Yes, it's a real birkenstock - my Vermonter privledges would Sooooo get revoked for wearing the faux Birki's)

And so endeth the fashion faux pas of Disney. I hope you have enjoyed it. There were some others which were spectacular - but as I noted, I didn't want to get shived - or arrested.

18 Baleful Regards:

Anonymous said...

Dawn, you should work for the Orlando Tourism Department. This retrospective actually made me WANT to visit Disney (if only for the high snark possibilities).

They could market to those of us with some taste like this: Come to The Magic Kingdom. Lifelong memories for the children, good laughs for the Dads and FABULOUS blog fodder for the Moms!

(I must confess to my husband sporting camo pants and Reef flips ALL SUMMER.)

Anonymous said...

I think you captured it - there was only that one, walking like her feet were on fire that was missed. I am sorry I didn't get you the photo of the silver strappy high heels to add. The snarkiness added serious entertainment for the "mother of the daughter's best friend".
I expect Disney recovery to last at least a week - at which time the "daughter's best friend" and "best friend's little brother" might have stopped trying to kill each other, or provoke one of their parents into doing the dirty work for them. Who knew a vacation would be so exhausting?
Both of our spawn had the best time imaginable, and are SO sorry to be back to the grind.
Where are we going next year? :-)

Marcie said...

This was too funny! The people watching at these places is the best part. We were at Busch Gardens last year and I took pictures of a couple of weird ones. One was an older white guy who had the thickest, longest dreads I had ever seen, they looked like tentacles coming out of his head. The other was this 65 year old grandma that had her breasts falling out of a tube top. I took pictures of them so I could show my mom when we got home. Too bad I didn't save them.

Andrea said...

I am a people watcher extraordinaire. Maybe I only do it to be snarky, if only in my head. You know, just to prove to myself that my ultra conservative t-shirt and khaki shorts will never pop up on the "No she's not wearing THAT" radar. You have satiated my people watching fix for the next few months. Maybe years. I thank you.

Anonymous said...

I thikn all the TLCs/Lifetimes/and whatevers else with all the makeover shows? need to camp out at Disney cuz GOOD GOD they got some material to work with as you so painfully yet snarkalishly pointed out.

post was very satisfying....are we getting an after dinner drink? I need MORE! MORE!!

Bravo! BRA-VO!!

mamatulip said...

LOL. The denim vest just slayed me.

Anonymous said...

mamaT- me too.

Julie Marsh said...

That chick in the tube top. Now THAT was depressing.

The rest of them? Hysterical!

Anonymous said...

I want to know who in their right mind wears high heels to walk around a theme park all day?
I'm a birk's girl myself and I'm all about the comfort to the extent that I might be a don't if you had your camera trained on me. While I do not wear tube tops, I'm all about going braless with the cami-tank.

Lisa said...

Bravo Dawn. God I would pay to see the ones you couldn't take photos of!

Great idea for a post.

Catherine said...

I SO needed this!!

BTW, if you aren't secretly working for "What Not to Wear," you've definitely missed your calling.

Lena said...

Okay Dawn, well now that you feel the back tattoo has come and gone, what EVER shall I do with mine?

I'm going to go with arm fat as my favorite!

Anonymous said...

I do really admire the people with enough body self-confidence to wear what they like, regardless of how it might look. That said, there is a difference between body-hugging and body-strangling where every spare inch of fat squeezes out from its confinement, desperately seeking to be free.

Oh man, Britney Junior. LOLOLOLOL!!!

Table4Five said...

BAhahaha! I knew you'd find the best of the worst. Britney Junior-*snort*. And that denim vest is wrong on so many levels, the least of which is that it is THREE SIZES too small.

P.S. I'm sorry, I have to point this out. You wrote "tattoo's" the possessive when I think you meant "tattoos" the plural. I'm just sayin'.

halloweenlover said...


I have to protest though, because Josh wears black flip flops, ONLY BLACK, and he looks hot in them. I'm just sayin'.

Trisha said...

Thanks for the people watching. LOL!

oshee said...

The denim skirt lady with the tag still on her shoe..that was sad.

Very funny

Anonymous said...

"my eyes, my eyes"


Oh man...I was just at Disney a year ago but the bad clothing is still fresh in my mind like it was yesterday.

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