We now interrupt the regularly scheduled post...

Sunday, May 21, 2006

The woman tried to repress this post for a few weeks, but I Vlad, have seen my opening and taken it. The spawn of the She-devil appears to be celebrating the day she was hatched into this accursed world. The She-devil has been busily assembling 746,359 pieces of German torture plastic(aka Playmobil) and buying cake to appease her hellhound of a child. Little does she know that upon eating the sugar laden flour, the spawn will burst forth as an alien life form. I will then claim her as my own, for she is a expert torturer at her tender age of 8 years.


AHHHHHH!!!!! The woman was going to post something witty and erudite here for today, but she seems to have devoured her family in a fit of sleeplessness induced rage.

Oh Yes I, Vlad the Imapler have watched the disintegration of the woman over the several days. The man has been gone for several days on a "business trip". This has left the woman alone with the worlds most dependent almost freaking eight year old ever born unto this dimension.

In addition, the woman is concerned that she is having some kind of hormonal meltdown. She's hot. She's cold. She's exhausted, she can't sleep. She is now waking every day at 5:30 a.m. Why? She doesn't know. A week ago, while talking to a friend ( who frankly deserves a little impaling), the friend suggested that instead of fighting the natural rhythms of her body, she take the morning as a gift of sacred time. Do something for herself. "Ah", thought the she-devil. "I HAVE been wanting to squeeze some more yoga in - this may be a great way to do that in the morning without feeling rushed."

So, when she wakes, she rises and begins to punish herself in the most inhumane ways. While I, Vlad, have told her she looks like an impaled fish as she flops up and down, she insists that these "Sun Salutations" and "Upward Bow" are doing her good. Watching her try to do the move she called "Revolved Triangle" , or "Exalted Warrior" at 6:06 a.m. is enough to make even the heartless Vlad feel a little sorry for her. I have offered to torture her in different ways, involving what Vlad feels will be less pain and suffering on her part, but she steadfastly refuses.

The female succubus seems to believe that this extra yoga will make her tired and able to sleep at the other end of the day. Vlad has not observed this. Last night, at 1:30 a.m., the woman was wide ass awake. She rose at 5:50, wide ass awake. She added 20 more minutes to the yoga to punish herself.

Vlad is delighted at the progress of the small hell hound that is the womans daughter. If Vlad could father girl children , which he does not, Vlad would take this one as his own. For the last three evenings , the hellhound has refused to fall asleep until 9 p.m., whimpering and crying the entire time. The hellhound refreshes herself for 2 hours, then wakes at 11 p.m. to begin the accursed torture afresh. After varied and uninspired threats are lobbed at her, the hellhound falls back to sleep until 1 a.m., when she renews her assault on the She-Hag who is her mother. Last night Vlad overheard this exchange:

"Emily, I swear to god, if I come in that room I will BEAT YOUR ASS!"

to which the hellhound cried loudly and whimpered. She-Hag awoke to find the hellhound snugly enmeshed into her armpit at 5:50 a.m.

I, Vlad the Impaler, may have to adopt this girl-child as my own seed, for she truly understands the subtlety of torture.

11 Baleful Regards:

Anonymous said...

I hope you and Emily both get some rest soon and that her birthday is wonderful.
Forget the yoga and go straight for the Cabernet.
Thinking of you guys and sending vibes for peace and relaxation.

Anonymous said...

O, Vlad. To be impaled by thee wouldst be an honor, good sir. (bad sir?)

p.s. yes, that *is* the best I could come up with today. it's the no-sleep-sick-baby-monster that has my vocabulary by the balls.

Dawn, dude, yeah. seriously. if mine were old enough to understand the words, etc., -- so. there. with. you. sitting very, very tight, indeedy.

Anonymous said...

I don't think that yoga positions are the way to go here. What works for me is the Prone Poisition on Bed with Mindless Movies. And A Side of Bon-Bons with Excellent Wine. Feel the burn!

Jaelithe said...

Vlad, it just so happens I have a two-year-old boychild here with very similar behavioral characteristics to this woman's spawn, including the amazing Masai-warrior-type ability to snap instantly from an apparently deep sleep to a state of heightened, aggressive alertness at any time of night that your blog host here so aptly described in her own daughter.

He has been cutting his last pair of molars this week and has therefore been acting particularly fearsome and vile. His father and I have been discussing drugging him into temporary obedience, finding the first unsuspecting childless couple we find, and trading him for a cat before the drugs can wear off, but it occurs to me that he might be better off being trained as a warrior by a person who can fundamentally appreciate his true nature. I don't suppose you're currently taking on apprentices?

He is, admittedly, quite young, and is still being toilet trained, but-- did I mention he can subsist at an amazingly high energy level on nearly no food for weeks at a time? And his firey red hair would surely strike fear into the hearts of the disobedient.

Just drop me a line if you're interested. Oh-- one more thing, though-- if you adopt him, you're not allowed to use corporeal punishment as a discipline tool, okay? Time-outs and confiscations only.

And you'll have to let him have marshmallows at least once a week. And you'll have to let him sleep with his fuzzy purple kitty cat toy.

Lisa said...

Oh sweetie I hear you on the child who tortures and decides to amp it up when hubby is gone. My hubby is in the middle of a 7 DAY business trip. Child gets so aggressive and onery by the third damn day hubby is gone!

Vlad even feels sorry for you -- that should MEAN something.

Oh and I take a half a tablet of Unisom each night. If I didn't I wouldn't sleep but for a few hours each night and after two or three nights of this, I would have a raging migraine. So I MAKE my body sleep. (Drugs are a GOOD thing! Yoga is too. Sounds like you've got all sorts of stress going on.) Sending you hugs.

And if you were close, I'd bring my whiney 38 pound bundle of need over to your house and our kids could whine together while we drank adult beverages wearing ear plugs.

Also, I laughed out loud tonight when I saw your comment on my caveman post! LOVED IT!

Anonymous said...

Best thing I've read all week. :)


Andrea said...

I don't know how you do it.

Anonymous said...

Dawn, I'm terribly sorry to laugh at your expense, but damn girl, you are funny. I mean Vlad - VLAD is funny. You are too busy doing yoga to be funny.

(Thanks for the unintended guilt trip. I haven't been to yoga in months.)

Sugarmama said...

Thank god I'm not the only one who yells at my 8-year old daughter!

Mommygoth said...

Oh, crap, Dawn. That sounds like SO much fun. May I recommend doping the she-devil with carbohydrates right before bed?

Bobita said...

(And now... I must revise my "most humorous of ALL.FREAKING.TIME" post-list.)

Vlad, I have said it many times...and will revisit the theme yet again. I must now buy stock in Depend Undergarments...because of the frequency of the "pee-letting" that occurs as a result of reading your posts.

Vlad, you are the ruler of post-humor.

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